Friday, June 12, 2009
Hey sweetie happy 11 years. I decided to write this in the blog because you wanted to make your life public. Plus knowing you, you will tell me tomorrow I forgot about our anniversary and I can prove to you I didn't.
I wish we could have shared this day with a movie and dinner like we normally do. Even the part where you try to be Mr. Romantic and feed me the dessert but it lands on my blouse instead of my mouth. Then I have to walk out of the restaurant with a huge raspberry spot. I am a little sad knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, you will not be physically next to me but you will be in my heart. A part of you is always with me.
No, our marriage hasn't always been happy. I would never lie about that. In fact we both agree it's a miracle we survived the first 2 years. I think we were both to stubborn to divorce. I had my vision of a perfect marriage with a perfect home and a perfect family. Like what you see on TV. You were still in your bachelor mode and had trouble adjusting. Poor Michael had a bag he kept in closet packed with a change of clothing. He got tired of packing every weekend when we would fight and I would get him and leave. I wish there would have been cameras on us. I am sure it would be hilarious to watch now. Thinking back to those days it wasn't because we didn't love each other because I know we both loved each other very much. It was just that our feelings were so intense. I guess the best way to describe it is to compare taste buds of a baby's to an adult's. Our taste buds dies with age. A baby is very picky with food. One reason is that there taste buds taste everything. The flavors for them are intense and over powerful. That is the reason babies like bland food over flavor. Adults do not have nearly as many taste buds as a baby. Which gives them the ability to enjoy a variety of flavors. That is how our marriage is. At first everything was so emotional and intense. Now, we just appreciate each other. Things that were a big deal then are laughable now when I look back. Sometimes we still might taste something that is unpleasant but the bitterness doesn't last as long.
You have always wanted what was best for the kids and me. You sacrificed yourself and now you are paying for it. You spent many years working 60 plus hour a week. Not because you loved your job that much and it wasn't because you didn't want to be home (at least I hope not) but it was because you wanted to take care of us. You wanted us to have everything we needed. You didn't want me to work and did everything you could so I didn't have to. Even when you were not feeling well you still went to work. You always put us first. I hope you have learned it's not always about us and you need to take care of yourself. By taking care of yourself you are taking care of us.
I was told that people don't change. You can't marry someone and expect them to change. Which is true. However, you have grown and changed so much in the last 11 years. I am so very proud of you. Now you have cancer. Yes, so far this has been a real difficult year. I don't know where you get your strength but you have remained so strong through out this. I get my strength from you. I hope but I do not think I would be as gracious as you have been with your battle. You are always thinking about other and trying to remain upbeat and hopeful for others. You do not want to bring anyone down because of your illness. You share your life with everyone. Not because you like to talk about yourself but you do it for other. For the kids, so they will be able to read this when they are older, for your family and friends so they can keep informed, for strangers so they can try to understand what it is like to live knowing your life might not be as long as you hoped. You have brighten many people's days by your blog. Your strength, humor, determination, and trust in God has inspired all of us.
I remember back in January when the tumor was found and I was told it was cancerous, I kept thinking I do not want to loose my best friend. I was so lost. I lean on you for everything but at that time I was on my own. Sure I had family and friends by my side but I was still alone. I am not glad that you have cancer but because of it we have been blessed. I am learning to appreciate things I take for granted. Even on the days when you really annoy me, I think to myself how blessed I am to have you.
If I would have known then what I know now on how life would be, I would still marry you in a heart beat. You are genuine. You never try to be some one your not. You always see the best in me even when I can't. You love me for me and never tried to change me. You put up with my craziness when others run. I am blessed because I know what it truly feels like to be loved.
Love you forever and always.