My 47th Birthday

On February 11, 2012, I turned 47.  I normally would not have been excited but I didn't know if I would live long enough to see 47. It also marks the 3rd year I have been battling colon cancer and for starting this blog.I would like to say 3 years have gone quickly.  In some aspects it's true but lately 3 years ago seems long ago.  I would never have dreamed I would be receiving chemotherapy for 3 years.  Depressing to think I will most likely never be in remission again and will have to be on chemo to continue living.

As for my birthday, it was a good day.   Sally and the kids bought me a Cubs hoodie and a Black Hawks hoodie.  I am always freezing, so I was glad to receive them. I wear them almost everyday to stay warm.  I received an iTunes card for the iPod I received last year that I have yet to use.  I am waiting on Sally to figure out how to use it, so she can teach me. Zachary likes to give everyone a bag of snacks for their birthday and my gift bag so heavy that is  tore.  Michael bought me a Black Hawks t-shirt to wear under the hoodie. Sally reminds me of that every time I wear the hoodie with a flannel shirt.  Lately, I dress to stay warm not for fashion.  Actually, I never dressed for fashion but for comfort or for whatever I found first hanging in the closet.  But now, the goal is to try to be warm.

The family took me to "The Omelet House" for breakfast. It's a small place but the food is delicious.  Being that it's good and small there is always a wait but worth the wait.  The boys didn't get along while we were waiting.  That was frustrating.  It was my birthday, maybe my last birthday, and just for one day I just wanted everyone to get along. I walked out and the boys chased after me.  Sally and Kaity didn't move though. They knew I wouldn't leave them behind and to be honest I was really looking forward to my waffles with strawberries.  Once we were seated everyone was fine and as soon as the food was served everyone was to busy eating to be annoy by each other.

My sister Carolyn, visited with me that afternoon.  It was good to talk with her.  I sometimes miss my life before marriage.  When I would go to my mom's on Sunday's.  Hangout there and talking with my younger sisters.  They would often come over to my house and clean for me as well when they needed money.  I think they talked to me more then they actually cleaned.  I miss those days but I am glad to be married and have my own family.  But I do miss hanging out with my little sisters.  Since Carolyn was over, I didn't have to wait until after dinner to have my birthday cake which was a bonus.  Sally tried to keep the kids away from us, so I could enjoy my time alone with Carolyn.

That evening, Sally and I went to Tiebles for dinner.  She originally had reservations made for dinner at Meyer's Castle.  However, with all my stomach issues she canceled them. It's an Argentinean steak house with all you can eat.  She promised me we can go there when I am feeling better.  Dinner was really good.  For the first time in my life, I had left overs from there to take home.  That is a sign I really am not feeling well.  After dinner, we went home and watched some TV.  It would have been nice to been able to go to a movie as well.  It's been a couple of years since we had went to the movies and dinner.  Now doing both in the same day is a bit to much for me. 

The following day, I was in a lot of pain.  It was Sunday, so I forced myself to attend church.  I sat down through most of it.  I saw Zach whispering something to Sally and Sally whispering back.  I had no idea what was said.  A couple of days later Sally told me, Zach had asked her "Do you think Dad will make it to 50?"  It breaks my heart that my 9 year old is worried about that.  I am glad Zach asked Sally instead of me.  What would I have said. I would want to reassure him everything is going to be fine even though I don't think I will live to be 50.  Sally answered to Zach was "I don't know".  Which was the honest and simplest answer to give a 9 year old.  We try to hide a lot of cancer worries from the kids. I do not want it consume their lives.  But the one thing I can't hide from them, even though I try my hardest is being in pain.  Even Kaity, who is 4 has asked me if I am feeling OK before she ask me to do something with her. A few weeks ago she asked me if I was feeling OK if I can go and can come to a party they were having and be there with her. That was the first time I realized my daughter knew I was sick. Needless to say I didn't handle that to well. My kids shouldn't have those kinds of worries. Should be thinking about what toy to play with next, not how long there Dad will live for.

and hope things get a little better.Take care and Bless you all.