Saturday, July 18, 2009

What I am really thinking.

Yesterday, I spoke about the concert. I try to make my post as intriguing as possible. I have a fear if I was more serious people would loose interest and not want to read my blog anymore. What I should have said yesterday was when we were deciding if we should or shouldn't get the tickets. At that time July seemed so far ahead. We didn't know what to expect. Would I still be here, would I be to ill to attend, would I still have my hair (what is left of it), would I be back to work by then? At that point of time I was just living for the moment. When you hear of cancer the first word that came to my mind is death. Then I found out I had stage 4, which meant bleak future. I reexamined my life. It's easy to do when you are put on the spot. I had hours to sit and figure out what was important to me and what I wanted to do to improve my life and the life of those who I love. It's funny when you are feeling better, you forget about some of the important stuff. For example when I was first diagnosed I told everyone around me that I am going to fight and do what ever it takes to beat it. I truly meant it. However, I am having a hard time eating right, exercising and loosing weight. Sally often gets on my case for it. Especially now, since the surgeon told us I needed to loose weight because of my damaged liver. But when I see chocolate cake or a plate of spaghetti I don't think of my health I just think of oh yeah, caaaaaake. It was easy to loose weight when I had the tumor because I never felt hungry. Now I do feel hungry and do not like the feeling of it. Especially when I go to sleep, I can't fall asleep if I am hungry. I also said I wanted to make repairs to the house. I couldn't do much after the surgeries. Plus some days I feel terrible. On the days I do feel good I don't want to be doing repairs. I want to be spending the day outside. Maybe when I win the lottery I can hire someone to do the repairs. Better yet I can just buy a new house.
Going back to yesterday. It was just a concert we went to but it was an achievement for me. Almost 6 months after being diagnose I do not have to live day to day. I am in remission. I feel good. I am at a good place in my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There are days when I am feel like crap but it makes the days I feel good all that much better. The little things I use to get upset over they don't bother me like they use to. Like when Zachary kept putting his face against the window to make silly faces until he got snot on it, then I was got kinda mad I had to put an end to it cause ,I was afraid I was going to start hacking(I have a weak stomach sometimes). Six months ago I would have been mad at the beginning. Another mess to clean. Now I say it will wash out but why bother it will get smudged as soon as I am done. I am learning to enjoy the moment. Now I am able to enjoy things around me. I love sitting on the porch watching my kids being silly . I am more observant of them now and notice more of the silly things they do. Before that I never was as observant. I was either to busy working or to tired to enjoy my life or notice them being silly. Now that I am slowed down I am able to see them being silly and able to get good material for my blog. I worked all those hours to provide for my family but we still don't have anything to show for it. Not saying I regret it. It gives me a great sense of pride to be able to provide for family and to be able to have Sally stay at home so our kids won't be in day care. I know if I am able to I will still work overtime if it is available but I will not go back to 70 hours work weeks. I am learning that it's the little things in life that end up being the most important things in life. Even though I am not happy that I have cancer I am glad I was given the opportunity to realize what life is really about. Even in my darkest moments I never was truly alone. During these times it seems someone would call and check up on me and change my whole attitude for the better. I have all you to thank for helping me and being there for me and my family. Which makes me blessed. I do not wish for those who read my blog to get ill but I do wish everyone who reads my blog will take some time to reflect what is really important to them and to learn to live that way. I know I have so much more learning and growing to do and I am lucky that I am given an opportunity to do so. I am not sure if I have a couple of years, a few years, or many years left but I hope what ever time I have is time that is well spent and not wasted on the small stupid stuff.I want my kids to have good memories of me and not ones of Daddy being crabby or not being around.

One last thought. Just because everything is going well at the time does not put me at a peaceful spot. It seems right before a storm it's always peaceful then wham something big happens. It's been like that since Sally and I have been married. Not saying something bad is going to happen but we are much calmer with stress. Hopefully, with time that will change for us as well.

I love you all and thank you for being there when I needed you. God Bless you all!


  1. Excellent post. Really enjoyed reading it...I'm really glad you've fought this thing head on and kept as postive an attitude as anyone could.

    Whether you planned on it or not, you've been an inspiration to the people who have watched this battle!

    Talk to you soon!

  2. hey bill...
    you speak from your heart! good for you!
    such life lessons you have learned and how lucky you are to have learned them.
    blessings for always, deb:)