Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I really need to stop thinking

last night I had a problem with myself. Sally set up the slide show and I was looking at all the pictures that she put in the slide show. I was just staring at all the pictures and was thinking about the surgery. After I was done Sally and I exchanged our pleasantries and went to bed.( I tried too) I was laying there for awhile and then I just started to ball my eyes out. Sally made a comment" What are you doing having a seizure ( Sally and I sometimes will goof around before we actually fall asleep. She really didn't know what was going on). I lost it so bad that I was shaking the bed. She thought maybe I was laughing. As much as I tried to stop it just got worse. I got up and went in the living room to try and calm down. It was probably one of the hardest things for me to do. After looking at those pictures and not certain of my future it was hell. Sally came in the room and was trying to console me. That didn't help then I started to think about her.Sally is a great mother and wife and I'm thinking what have I done. Her life as well as mine has changed forever. She has been at my side and the kids through thick and thin and I hope they will someday realize that. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, so that makes her all the more wonderful to be by my side during this time. She sat with me and we talked about the surgery and about all of the wonderful support that I am getting from all of you. That still didn't help, I started up again. No matter how I tried I couldn't let up. After a while, we finally made it back to sleep. It makes me uncomfortable telling all of you this. I just feel that this blog is about what I am going through and possibly other cancer patients, It's not all fun and games. I try very hard for the kids not to see me weak. So I am glad it happened when they were all asleep. One time I was on the couch and having a moment. Zachary saw me and ran and told Sally that Daddy was crying. I had to come up with an answer why I was crying. I told him that the show I was watching made me sad. I was watching Deal or no Deal. I guess the contestant on the show must have lost a lot of money and I felt bad for them.

I really don't feel much like writing to much today. The sun is out and I hope that gets me out of this rut I am in right now. So please bare with me. I will be back feeling better tomorrow, I hope. I also called to set up the surgery date. I left a message and waiting on a call back.

Sally came back from the Doctor and she did get a appointment with the Gastric Doctor for July 1st. I guess our family Doctor feels its stress related. I don't know what he means by that, everything is A-OK here.

I am going to stop here. Its really been a emotional few days for me. I am going to play with Zach and Kaity for awhile. Thank you and God Bless.


    you've no need to apologize to us, i think each one of us wishes we could be of more help and yet, we are limited.
    you have so much to deal with and you keep pushing yourself even when you sound emotionally and physically exhausted and that exhaustion ALONE is enough to cause a breakdown...add to it the REALITY of all you are dealing with and i, for one can understand your need to let it all out once in awhile!
    it's actually good for you to release that physical stress and anxiety...
    after it's out...getting some good sleep is good and then holding your kids and wife might help fill you up with some positive energy too.
    i can't put myself in your shoes bill but i can offer constant prayers and support! i only wish there were more any of us could do for you!
    blessings to you always...deb

  2. Yes, it is always on our minds that we wish we could do more, say the right things, or find the right answers. I realize cancer will always be hanging over your head, but so far, you are beating this thing! You have every right to cry, get angry, be confused, worry, and experience a host of other emotions. If you didn't, you wouldn't be human.

    Your blog has put your life out there for all to see. So we, in a small way, feel what you feel, experience what you experience, and the best part - we appreciate our own lives and our families more because we know more about how fragile life is.

    When I get scared about finances, illness, or all the other reasons people worry about, I read the Bible: Psalms, Proverbs, Matthew, John, Luke, Mark, etc. There are so many comforting words and advice that put us closer to the greatest physician. I suggest that the next time you feel overwhelmed you give it a go, if your not already.

    Also, if you ever need to talk, you have my number. Feel free to call me anytime.

    May God bless and keep you in the fight always!


  3. Drats, I hate spelling errors! Your = You're...sorry folks.

  4. you're (not your) forgiven! :):)

  5. Looked up some Bible quotes on the power of prayer:

    I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.
    (Psalm 34:4,5)

    The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.
    (Psalm 34:15)

    Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
    (Psalm 37:4)

    Thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee. In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me.
    (Psalm 86:5,7)

    He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
    (Psalm 91:15)

    The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth, He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them.
    (Psalm 145:18,19)

    And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.
    (Isaiah 65:24)

    And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
    (Matthew 6:5,6)

    Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
    (Matthew 6:8)

    Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
    (Matthew 7:7,8)

    If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
    (Matthew 7:11)

    And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son ... If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
    (John 14:13,14)

    For we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
    (Romans 8:26)

    Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
    (James 5:16)

    Whosoever shall call on the name of the LORD shall be delivered.
    --Joel 2:32

    Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.
    --James 4:8

    When Jesus died on the Cross, the veil that was in the temple was ripped from top to bottom, opening the direct path for anyone to talk directly to Jesus. We need no representative to deliver the message for us. When we call on the name of Jesus, we are talking directly to Him! That's the most awesome thing about our faith! His death and resurrection brought about a miraculous change in the way we can worship. Mark 15:37-38 tells us that the High Priests in the Temple were no longer the only way to talk to our Lord.

    In our living room, even in our kitchens, we can talk to The Lord as if he was standing there with us.

    Jesus rules!

    satan drools!

    My fingers are really tired now!


  6. Prayer: The First Lesson to Learn
    Posted in: Prayer Articles, A.W. Tozer
    By A.W. Tozer

    Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
    --Matthew 26:41
    To pray successfully is the first lesson the preacher must learn if he is to preach fruitfully; yet prayer is the hardest thing he will ever be called upon to do and, being human, it is the one act he will be tempted to do less frequently than any other. He must set his heart to conquer by prayer, and that will mean that he must first conquer his own flesh, for it is the flesh that hinders prayer always.

    Almost anything associated with the ministry may be learned with an average amount of intelligent application. It is not hard to preach or manage church affairs or pay a social call; weddings and funerals may be conducted smoothly with a little help from Emily Post and the Minister's Manual. Sermon making can be learned as easily as shoemaking--introduction, conclusion and all. And so with the whole work of the ministry as it is carried on in the average church today.

    But prayer--that is another matter. There Mrs. Post is helpless and the Minister's Manual can offer no assistance. There the lonely man of God must wrestle it out alone, sometimes in fasting and tears and weariness untold. There every man must be an original, for true prayer cannot be imitated nor can it be learned from someone else. God Tells the Man Who Cares, 69.

    "Lord, I pray that this month might really be a time that would change my life. I don't want to just learn more about the importance of prayer. I pray that Your Spirit might change me, that I might become more and more genuinely a man of prayer. Amen."

  7. C. S. Lewis on the Christian Life...
    Posted in: C.S. Lewis, Discipleship
    By C.S. Lewis

    • A man who is eating or lying with his wife or preparing to go to sleep in humility, thankfulness and temperance, is, by Christian standards, in an infinitely higher state than one who is listening to Bach or reading Plato in a state of pride.

    • Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

    • Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"

    • Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

    • It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

    • Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.

    • Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.

    • Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith [but] they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.

    • Telling us to obey instinct is like telling us to obey 'people.' People say different things: so do instincts. Our instincts are at war... Each instinct, if you listen to it, will claim to be gratified at the expense of the rest...

    • The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

    • The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather for the devil.

    • There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."

    • We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.

    • Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, oh, do you learn.

  8. Prayer: At Home in the Prayer Chamber
    Posted in: Prayer Articles, A.W. Tozer
    By A.W. Tozer

    Now when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went home. And in his upper room, with his windows open toward Jerusalem, he knelt down on his knees three times that day, and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as was his custom since early days.
    --Daniel 6:10
    Thomas a' Kempis wrote that the man of God ought to be more at home in his prayer chamber than before the public....

    No man should stand before an audience who has not first stood before God. Many hours of communion should precede one hour in the pulpit. The prayer chamber should be more familiar than the public platform. Prayer should be continuous, preaching but intermittent.

    It is significant that the schools teach everything about preaching except the important part, praying. For this weakness the schools are not to be blamed, for the reason that prayer cannot be taught; it can only be done. The best any school or any book (or any article) can do is to recommend prayer and exhort to its practice. Praying itself must be the work of the individual. That it is the one religious work which gets done with the least enthusiasm cannot but be one of the tragedies of our times. God Tells the Man Who Cares, 70-71.

    "Lord, I pray today that I might more and more be at home in my prayer chamber. It's exciting to be in the pulpit; it's vital to be in the closet. Let me do this work with deeper commitment and greater enthusiasm. Amen."

  9. Bill,
    Have you considered joining a support group for people battling cance? It may be just what you need to help you through these difficult times (other than prayer).

    Sally can't get into the gastro doctor until July 1st? Do you mean June 1st? I hope so.

    Do you have a date yet on your surgery?


  10. I have tried the support group. We have left a message and no call back.So I figure they are not very supportive.

    No Sally's appointment is July 1ST.

    I talked to the nurse today and she said that Dr. Warso wanted to talk to Dr.Mboama first before setting up the surgery. Bill

  11. well bill, UNTIL you find another support group i think we'll do all we can! and dan has certainly done a great job of putting together a powerful supply of quotes and verses! kudos to you dan and blessings for always to you bill! cya..deb:)