When I'm alone.

Today I felt tired and wanted too sleep. Kaitlyn woke up throughout(twice) the night. Sally and I took turns rocking her back to sleep. I think she may be having gas pains. Her farty farts are deadly. She brought me down to my knees at least three times today. I think the weather has a little to do with the way I feel too. I 'll probably go to bed early today. After I do the Wii Fit and the news. That may not sound early but, I usually go to bed at about midnight most nights.

I want to tell everybody about my alone time. What I do when I'm alone. I don't do anything but,think. To most people they probably enjoy this time a lot ex specially if they have kids. To me and I'm sure with other cancer patients It's actually the worst time of day. This is the time when you start thinking about if your going to see your kids grow up. Think about how you left things for your wife. I am a optimist. I do believe I will be ok, but there are no guarantees in life. I can't even drive my car by myself without thinking about my family. When a song comes on the radio that is sentimental or brings back memories it's really hard. Ex specially when cheesy songs come on, like the Carpenters, Abba and a lot of those groups from the seventies. I love those cheesy songs dammit and I'm not afraid to admit it. A few weeks ago Sally's and mine wedding song came on the radio(Savage Garden- Truly, Madly, Deeply). I was like oh know, not now. the tears started to flow. Moments like this is when you reflect on the mistakes or the things you have missed because you were to busy with the job and the dumb things you have done. I'll be in the car balling my eyes out and next to me will be someone looking at me wondering what the Hell is this guys problem. I try to have the tears wiped away before I get home but sometime my emotions are to strong to just be able to stop. So I will run in the bedroom as to not let Sally and the kids see me. Sometimes its just so hard you can't help it. Yesterday I took Zach to his soccer practice and I sat in the car. That was a huge mistake. Here I am watching this little boy of mine running around playing his heart out knowing that I am watching him. Thinking to myself what would happen to him if he loses his daddy. How much of a difference in his life will that make. I know sometimes Sally and I will be talking about my illness in the kitchen and he will be playing in the living room and he will ask us to stop talking about it. Sometimes he will go in his bedroom .You think isn't listening but he is. We need to be careful. I know he knows that I am sick just not sure if he knows how sick I am. He knows that I'm not supposed to do a lot around the house ex specially after chemo sessions , so sometimes he will yell at me to sit down and rest.So I do think he has an idea. Zachary is only 7 years old what memory will he have of me. My biological father died when I was about 11 years old. I have only a few memories of him. One of the memories that I still have is seeing him in that casket. I will never forget that. I don't want that to be a lasting memory for my kids at that young age. I always try to be there for all my kids when they need me. I always wonder what will become of them. If something does happen to me will that impact there choices they make in there life for the worse.I'm not saying I am this great father but , to this day I still think about my Dad and wonder what impact his death may have played in my life.
Kaitlyn will only be 2 on the 9th of April. So obviously she has no idea. If I do go she will not have a memory of her Dad. She is my little girl and I want to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. ( when she is about 35ish) I will miss a lot of her first. She is starting to talk alot. she will repeat whatever we say. What will she be like ,what will she become.
Michael wants to do something in criminology. He has a lot of options to take in this field. What identity will he chose.( look at previous blog) Who will he marry and what will his house look like.What kind of a man will he turn out to be.
Sally is like me ,she thinks to much about things too. Sometimes we will cry together. I know it is hard on her. What will happen to her if things don`t go the way we plan. I love my wife dearly and I let her and my kids down. I could have prevented this if I didn't ignore the signs because I didn't want to miss work. Don't let this happen to you , If you have any signs that something doesn't seem right GO TO THE DOCTOR DAMMIT !!!!!!!!
Today I went to Avery to drop something off. That was hard for me. Seeing the place I was working at few months ago and the people I worked with. Everyone is supportive of me and I appreciate that. Now I'm not being very productive like the way I used to being. I feel like a failure cause I can't work and my wife has to take care of me, that is a very bitter pill to take.
It's really hard sometimes to stay strong . I need to try and think about other things when I'm alone. I hate being alone now. I used to like it, having peace and quiet. I'll tell you it really sucks. If something does happen to me I hope to God that Sally won't be alone. I'm sorry about the rambling but, this is something else I do believe most cancer patience go through but don't normally talk about cause they want to be strong for there families. This is my blog and I want to be brutally honest. Thanks for taking the time to read this and God Bless you all,