Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sometimes life gives you a few twist and turns.

I feel guilty to gripe. I am grateful for the life I have, my family, my job and my health. Yep, that is right.  I am grateful for my health.  I am not laying in a hospital not being able to function so even though I had much better days I am happy for my heath.  

I try to be positive and go along with life as if nothing is wrong.  I try, but that doesn't always happens that way. I feel like I have no choice but to get out of bed, put on a happy face (even though I always look grumpy)  and continue with my life no matter how I feel.  To be honest though, this has been a difficult summer for me.  I have had some good days but I mainly feel like crap.  If it's not one thing it's another.  I try to push myself and still do things especially with the wife and kids. I don't complain but I know when Sally knows I am not feeling well.  She will ask numerous  times if I feel OK and I can tell she is worried so I put a damper on her day as well.  I am so tired of feeling tired and like crap all the time. I wish I could have more good days then bad.  

Chemo itself is getting more depressing for me.  I was told 30 months ago I would need 12 rounds of chemo.  30 months later I am still in chemo.  I will probably be in chemo until the day I croak or the day they tell me chemo isn't working and to go home and die.  Yes, it's a depressing thought but it's my reality.  Not sure if it would have been better to know the truth from the start. I might have given up before I even began.  Dealing with chemo side effects for 6 months or even a year isn't so bad knowing it won't be forever.  Dealing with side effects knowing it will be a way of life forever, is really getting to me. Some days more so then others.  

The truth isn't always so pretty.  It's easier for me to act like everything is fine then to admit it really sucks.  The thing about life and bad days is that there is tomorrow.  Sometimes, a day makes an entire difference.  This is how I feel today but tomorrow I might wake up and love life.  That is what usually happens.  But as for lately, my life is nothing but whats it going to be today? Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. Actually that's not it. The hot weather we had this summer I know knocked me down as well as my stomach ulcer I been feuding with . I know that each day can change like the weather. I will have to deal with it and make the most of it. Not just for myself, but for my family and friends. This has been a rough summer, but I still had a lot of fun with my family and friends. Went to Indiana Beach, a few concerts , a couple of Ball games and went to my brothers with my kids to name a few. He lives off a lake and has a pool. The kids love it there, wish we could go more often. That helps me through the rougher patches. So things aren't actually that bad. Just have to adapt to the more unpleasant days. This is all for now. God Bless you all and thanks for reading and being a part of my journey to getting better.


  1. Bill,

    A good friend passed your link to me and have just read the latest update. I have to say I hear you on all of what you say...I have just completed Irinotecan No13 and Avastin No10 on a 3 week cycle and have just lost my hair...I am thankful I have more good days than bad. I still have trouble with my bowels (lovely subject but one I face up to with good humour).

    I hate to see Fran's face when I am struggling so like you just weather the storm...and to be honest putting a lid on it helps! Gather good friends and family and of course the lord himself helps enormously.

    God Bless to you and hoping the good days outnumber the bad


  2. God bless you bill (and you too tony!) YOU are, in my humble but sincere opinion, amazing, strong, faith-filled, stubborn (in a good way), humble, thankful, intuitive, compassionate, and rare! you keep going day after day despite the overwhelming circumstances of your life/health! you have every RIGHT to complain, to give up and yet you DON'T!!!!! you battle the unknown each day and do it in such a brave way! you appreciate every moment you have been given and the people in your life!


    ALL who take on this fight each day and battle it are amazing people!!!!

    i can certainly understand how this summer was rough for you as it has been soooo extremely hot and humid and has taken the energy and life right out of the healthiest people and here you are struggling with chemo regularly and trying to keep up with work, family, chores, life...SERIOUSLY? i think you have a right to complain once in awhile, all i ask (selfishly) is that you keep on fighting this cruel and horrible disease as you have done and never give up!!!!

    i am PROUD to know you bill and call you my friend!

    blessings always, deb:)

  3. Thank you Deb, for your very thoughtful words, that always means a lot to me. I do have to say though you left out one more maybe two characteristic and that is Handsome and debonair. Deb,I di try my best not to show everything, because I don't want the pity. I want all three of my kids to remember me for what I did or done , not for what I couldn't. Sally knows what I am going through and don't feel like I need to act different for. She is my angel and strength right now.

    Tony, I am very glad you came to me blog. We do have a lot of the same issues including the bowel part which is really bad during chemo and about week or so after. God Bless you Tony and hope everything works out for you and your family.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep strong my new friend Bill