Saturday, September 3, 2011

Mean just don't die!

I would like to take the time to apologise for my wife's depressing posts.  It takes, charisma, charm, good looks, humor, and superior  writing skill to produce such unique post like this one.  Some people have the talent and some people don't.  You will never hear me brag about my talent.  You will also never hear me say that Sally's talent is best in the kitchen.  

Yes, the news was hard to hear.  With my luck lately, it wasn't a surprise.  Some people already think I have a foot in the grave and that is far from fact.  I am not going anywhere any time soon.  I have said before and I am going to say it again, I have cancer, Cancer does not have me.  It will not beat me or control me. I am in control and the Big man up stairs but not cancer.  I will fight with all my might.  I am not in denial on how serious this is.  I do believe in miracles.  I believe many miracles have occurred in me in my life time already. Maybe the miracle isn't that I am healed but maybe there is something bigger. Maybe there isn't room for me yet in heaven. It will take two angels to walk on the side of me just to hold my head up straight .I think that is what it may be. All I know is that God isn't finished with me yet.  I also know that mean don't die, so I am going to be as mean and as bad as I possibly can for a good cause. I will have to make Sally cry more. Just remember it's for a good cause. 

To be honest I have been all over the map with emotions.  Sometimes all I want to do is cry, other times all I want to do is poke jokes.  Sometimes, all I want to do is go back to bed and hopefully when I wake , I will realize it's all a bad dream.  What I really want is a normal life as possible and I want to live it with purpose.  I don't have time to waste and I want to make each day count. 

After each bad report, I feel there is another pink elephant in the room.  I don't care if we talk about it.  In fact, when people express the way they feel and ask me questions it touches me.  When no one ask, I feel as if they don't care.  I am aware it is a hard situation for both sides.  I want to be treated the way I was treated before.

With every bad there is good.  The good is I don't have to wear a portable chemo pump any more.  My hair might grow back too.  I said earlier, I want to be treated the same except for when it comes to at home.  I am using "I have cancer" as a bargaining chip with Sally. It works like a charm most of the time. She still won't touch my feet no matter how much I plead. "I am dying, this might be your last chance", "Are you going to deny a dying man?" has been working to my advantage in most cases. 

 While it's fun to torture my wife, I do not like when she treats me different.  The last few months, I have noticed her tendency to coddle me. I appreciate her kindness but I am fighting to keep my dignity in tack.  There may be a day when I am totally dependent on others for all my needs.  Until that day comes, I want to be self reliant as much as I can (most of the time). I know Sally worries about me.  She knows that I don't always tell her how I feel or what ails me. So, every time she sees me without a smile she will ask me what's wrong.  Every time!  When I answer I am fine, she will always ask if am I sure.  Truth be told, there are times I do not even know how I feel or what I want. She will ask me a billion times a day if I have eaten and if I say yes, what exactly did I eat.  If she doesn't think it was good enough she will tell me exactly what she thinks I should eat.  If she sees that I might even have the inkling to get up and get a drink, she rushes up to serve me. Sometimes, I do like that but really I want to do things for myself while I can.  Then if that isn't bad enough, she is starting to treat me like one of the kids out in public.  For instance, we went out to breakfast.  I ordered bacon. She asks the waitress to make sure my bacon was extra crispy( saying this as her head was spinning in circles). I do like crispy bacon but if I wanted extra crispy bacon I would have asked for it myself.  Then there was the time in the elevator at the Clinic.  We were leaving one of my chemo treatments.  We were in a crowded elevator (may have been over the weight limit) and she asks me, no lie, "Do you have to go potty?" I acted like I didn't hear her. Again she ask me even louder,"Honey, do you have to go potty". I am thinking you got to be kidding. I felt like I was 3 again. I looked around and I saw a few people looking at me with there mouths wide open.  I replied "NO, I don't have to go potty."  As soon as I said this she had realized what she had did.  She apologized and said she is use to being around kids all the time.  That may be true, but in the entire 15 years we have been together this is the first time she had ever asked me if I had to go potty.  Just happens to be when I am leaving chemo and in a crowded elevator. Her most recent public embarrassment, not that she treated me like a child and I thought it was more funny then embarrassing was Thursday, the day we got the great news.  We just left the oncologist office.  I needed to get shoes for work. She was on the phone talking to my sister.  I parked the car and walked into the store.  Then a few seconds later, Sally walks into the store, still talking on the phone and crying.  I am thinking to myself you got to be kidding.  I wonder what the people in the store were thinking.  Why in the world is she in here and not in the car. So I tried to lighten the mood by laughing and making fun of her.  She couldn't talk because I kept talking to her so she hung up.  My plan worked splendidly.  When she got off the phone I asked her why she didn't stay in the car.  She reminded me it was in the 90's and I had turned off the car without rolling down the windows and took the keys with. I didn't think she would still be on the phone when she walked into the store.  But I purposely took the keys with me because I didn't want her to take off and leave me at the shoe store after hearing the news. 

I had a CT scan done yesterday.  Tuesday, I will see the doctor for the results.  It will just confirm that the lymph nodes are cancerous and how many.  I felt like he was trying to cushion to blow when he said that PET scans are not always accurate.  But then while he was walking out the door he said he was sorry.  So if he thought there was a chance the PET scan was wrong I don't think he would be apologising.  September 22, I am going back to U.I.C. for the second opinion.  I am sure they won't tell me any different but I am going to make sure without a doubt no one will be able to say I gave up or I should have done more. 

Hope everyone is enjoying there long weekend.  Thank you for all your support and prayers.
God Bless,


  1. WOW!!!! its been awhile since you have "let go" like this! good for you! (except the parts when you harass sally) sorry bill, i HAVE to stand up for her ya know :)

    God bless you for letting all of us KNOW what you want from us because we simply don't know sometimes HOW to handle certain situations in life and it is so helpful when someone who IS going through it TELLS US what they need!

    for whatever it is worth i luv and respect your "let go and let God" plan! your faith and determination along with the prayers and support of all who care about you is a win-win combination i think. i am thankful to be a part of your "i'm gonna beat this team" and since the very first blog i want you to know how much i have appreciated that you have shared this with all of us!!!!

    blessings and prayers always,

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  3. Bill- a friend of mine in similar situation- what to do about positive nodes? she is looking into Stereotactic Radiotheraphy, her oncologist referring her to a radiologist. Let me know and I can point you to her caringbridge site, more info there.

  4. here is her site- think you have to register to see it- but I had never thought radiation for her as her cancer is colon, just like yours. But they are considering it!

  5. thank you Patty. I will ask about it when he goes to U.I.C. I did ask his oncologist about radiation. He said it couldn't be done because the lymph nodes were wrapped around the intestines. He said radiation would cause to much damage.

  6. I check in with Sally's post on OLS and come here to read updates. I love your sense of humor and the feet picture...oh wow that just brought back some memories I had of clipping my grandmothers toenails. I love my gram...but after that I made sure she got into her foot Dr. Keeping you in my prayers Bill and you are right...the mean do not die! lol