A Father's Day Tribute

The kids and I have decided to hijack Bill's blog for Father's Day.  Bill hates it when I get all sappy on him so I won't.  The kids all wanted to contribute to this post.  Not sure where this will lead but it will be interesting to find out.  Wondering if any of them will use this opportunity to get him back for all the embarrassing things he has shared with the world.  


Tomorrow we will be celebrating Father's Day by showering Bill will attention, food, and gifts.  However, I think it's more important to let him know how we feel about him. Thanks to Bill, in our family I have the advantage of being a stay at home mom. I am usually the one who gets credited for all the good things in our children's life, yet Bill is the one who makes it all possible.  I am the one who is able to hear all the thank yous when I am buying them their the things because Bill hands over his pay check to me. I am the one with the cash while he is one with an empty wallet. I am the one who makes the kids happy when I tell them they can play outside with their bikes, toys and swing set, while it was Bill who spent hours assembling everything. I am the best mom in the world when I take them places while Bill is hard at work.  I am the one who they usually run to when they get hurt or sick because I am the one that is always with them because Bill puts in a lot of extra hours at work so the kids can have me home with them.  I am the one that complains the kids don't appreciate anything I do yet he is the one that never gets the credit.  He is the one that comes home from a long day at work and is expected to listen to all of our complaints,comfort us, fix everything, and not to be to tired to help us and put up with our demands and do it all with a smile.  I just wanted to let everyone know how lucky I am to have such an overworked, under appreciated, under paid, over burdened, and tired husband.  Thank you Bill.  
Thoughts from Kaitlyn. age 4
(typed out by Sally but the exacts words directly out of Kaity's mouth)


Dad, thank you for. I love you but I don't want you to be mean to me because I am special.  Umm  I love you. I love to kiss and hug you.  I will buy you something tomorrow for your birthday and lots of flowers too.  You have lots of birthdays like me. I want to give the turtles a way.  I want a dog.  Daddy you are special because you always love me.  My baby dolls don't like it when you are mean to me.  I like when you take me on bike rides and for ice cream cones.  You don't take me for books any more.  You help me to be good. I love you but I don't know your name dad.  Umm I love you!  Dear God help my dad be OK.  


Thoughts by Zacharyage 9
(written by Zachary himself)
DAD! YOU   ARE SPECIAL.Don"t lisstin  to  katilyn  about the turtle. you likes the turtle.I love you dad. (OK that took Zachary 45 minutes to type.  He takes after his father.  I am going to help the poor kid out and type while he talks my ears off)   Umm dad you always take me turtle hunting.  ummm Dad you are really special because you play football with me. You buy me toys when my mom tells you not to like the battle droid. You are a special person because you have cancer and you play with me still.  You are funny.  You umm  give me a second.  Oh yeah you take me to the turtle pond and turtle park. You take me bird watching and my dad is special because he saw a baby bull frog and a blue pelican and two cat fish and a gold fish.  My dad has bomb (not a typo, that is what he said) fires with me. Umm You play hide and seek with me in the dark. He plays football with me.  I am really good now.  You check up on me, you buy me dairy queen.  You usually yell at me.  He helps me clean my room.  Umm He plays with me and my sister Kaitlyn.  Umm....  He has a friend name Santa Clause.  My dad sleeps with me sometimes. He takes me to Omni and other places like Indianapolis.  Dad I feel great about you.  I really love you with my whole heart.  I hope God heals you.  Sincerely, Zach. Not your only son.


Michael's thoughts or thought. age 20
Written and proof read by Michael himself.  


Where to began. I remember when i was little you made me jump in font of a bus to get Sammy Sosa's autograph but come to find out it was  never him. I remember all the times we use to play catch or the summers we spent fixing the yard and you would get mad at me cause i was so slow, not that has changed much.  I have known you for pretty much my whole life and you have taught me so much. I know I wasn't the easiest kid to raise, and i know we don't see things eye to eye, but i do love you so much and I hope I becomee just as strong as you are when I get older. You never put yourself first, you always make sure that we are taken care of, and we have food on the table. You amaze me in so many ways, and I just wanted to let you know I am very proud you, not only are you a great father, but you are also my role model. Believe it or not I do look up too you. So I just wanted to say thank for dad for being the best you can be, and for always being there for me, zach, and kaity. We love you so much and I hope today is going to be a great day for you.


Love Always,
Your Son Michael
Happy Father's Day

A Reason to Celebrate!

Sally here

Bill is at work and I want to let everyone know I just finished talking with Dr. Mboama's nurse Stacey.  The cat scan looked really good.  Much better then last time.  The S.I.R.T procedure worked and the tumors in the liver have shrunk.  There is no sign that the cancer has spread to additional areas. Thank God for the good news.  Bill honestly felt the news was going to be bad because how he his been feeling.

On another note, Bill's stomach pains continue.  I still think it's chemo related but what do I know I am not a doctor.  His oncologist called in another prescription for his stomach.  Hopefully, he will start feeling better soon.  I feel bad for him because he is miserable.  His doctor is not sure what is wrong either and is referring him to see a gastric doctor on Friday.  Hopefully it's nothing serious and they can get to the problem quickly.

Thank you for all the prayers, thoughts, and support.  We wouldn't be able to get through this without it.

Blake

I met this incredible little guy tonight name Blake.  He is 8 years old and lives in the same town as me yet I haven't seen him before.  I met him at a benefit that was for him.  I didn't know much about him except that he is on the list for a kidney transplant. There were banners and signs hanging all through town for the past month.  Sally and I decided at the last moment to go with the little ones.  The nice thing is that we didn't have to go far and was able to walk down the street.

I see this little boy who was only 3-4 inches taller then Kaity.  Sally told me that was Blake.  I didn't think much about it,  After we ate, the kids wanted to play games.  While they were playing games I noticed a table that had pictures of Blake.  I decided to look at the table.  There were lots of pictures of Blake.  He looked like a normal happy kid for the most part.  There was a poster board on information and facts about children who need kidney transplants.  Then there was a poster board about Blake.  He was born with kidney problems.  He had a kidney transplant at the age of 2. The transplant failed a year later and he has been on the waiting list for a new kidney for the last 5 years.  Blake spends  11 hours a day hooked up to a dialysis machine. He goes to bed with it on and can't get out of bed until it finishes.  Blake has not grown in over 3 years.  Blake has never been able to take a bath.  Blake loves to play with his friends but he gets sad because he can't run and play like they do.  He is scared about getting another transplant. For being only 8 years old he has been through a lot more then I have. To be that young and have so many worries saddens me.

After reading all about Blake, I realized what I am going through doesn't even compared to what Blake it going through.  I have lived  my entire childhood and adulthood (until now) healthy.  The only limitations I had were the ones I created for myself.  I never gave it any thought when I took a bath or jumped in a pool or when I played tag with my friends.  I never gave it any thought when my kids did the same.  All the little things in life we take for granted not realizing how many people would love to have the chance.

I don't consider myself a person who feels sorry for himself.  I think I accepted my cancer and whatever lays ahead for me.  Of course, I hope and pray I can live to be a very grumpy old man.  But tonight, really opened my eyes.  I never realized how truly lucky I am.  I saw this brave boy who played games with his friends who looked healthy and happy.  Yet, this brave boy is much sicker than I am.  He never got to live the childhood I lived and who may not be able to live the adult life I am blessed with.  By looking at Blake you would never know what his life is like.  11 hours a day on a dialysis machine and now I feel foolish dreading the 4 hours every 2 weeks for an infusion treatments.  Plus, the take home pump I wear for the next 46 hours which I can not stand.  Now, I will be thinking about Blake and I bet Blake wishes he could have the same amount of treatment that I have in replace of what he is currently going through. When I think about I might not live to see 47 saddens me. I bet to Blake 46 seems old and if he has the chance to live to be 46 he would be so ever grateful,

 I will be praying that Blake Loudenber he will be able to receive a new kidney soon.  That he will some day be able to know what it is to live a normal life.  I pray that Blake lives a long full life even if it's only to be a 46 year old man. Tonight really put my life in perspective and made me a humble man once again.

My Update on Me

Just a little post to let everyone know I am doing well for the most part.  I am working a little less due to production at work has slowed down.  Right now I am on 8 hour shift and I have the weekends off.  Which is nice but a little worried since the overtime will not be there.


Health wise I am good.  Except, for stomach pains I have been experiencing.  The pains are hard to explain.  Sort of feels like the gas pains I had experienced after the surgeries but not quite as severe.  It worries me that the cancer may have spread. My chemo meds has changed so it could be do to that as well.  I mentioned it today at chemo.  Dr. Mboama thinks it's because of the chemo and told me to take GasX.  However, he must have some concerns because he wants me to go for a CT-scan A.S.A.P.  So, tomorrow at 2:30 I will be having one done. The ct will also show if the SIRT procedure I had done in March worked. Now the fun of waiting for the results begin.  The waiting is so cruel.


Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts.  I so desperately need a good CT reading or I am doomed. 


God Bless and Take Care
Bill

Sexy's Back

I am doing well.  I am experiencing some of the side effects from chemotherapy.  I am having a lot of muscle cramping, sensitivity in my feet and hands, and loosing my hair. Now I have an excuse for my bald spot.  Actually, the bald spot isn't as noticeable now since I have a lot less hair.  Earlier this month, I started to loose my hair in clumps. I was at work and felt something on my face.  Went to brush it away and saw a huge clump of hair.  Took a shower that night and hair covered the tub.  It was surprising since it's been over 2 years of being on chemo and I figured I would have lost my hair by them.  I will admit I was upset.  The next day, Sally suggest either I have my head shaved or get my hair cut really short.  I went that evening and had my hair cut really really short.  I felt a lot better when I looked in the mirror and saw a sexy man looking back at me.

I am still working out but I have put on a couple of pounds.  With Easter, birthdays, Zach's First Communion, etc.. it's been challenging to be "good". I had an appointment with my family doctor.  I have high cholesterol and went in for a recheck which required another lipid profile. It was  high.  Normally, I would be scared and be good for a few weeks and Sally would be on my case yelling at me.  I know I am at risk of having a heart attack.  Actually, that isn't scary considering I have cancer.  If I had a massive heart attack and died instantly (like my dad at age 40) would be a lot better then having a long painful death because of cancer.  Sally doesn't it see it the same way.  She made a comment that I am fighting so hard to beat cancer yet I am eating myself to death.  Which proves that she like to see me suffer from living without my favorite high fatty foods, and that she would rather have me be tortured by a long agonizing death.  I need to rethink the notion that Sally loves me and so should you.

It's time again for me to have the Cat scan.  I am scared to death (ironic isn't it) knowing that after this scan or a scan down the road, I might be hearing "Sorry Bill, we did all that we could do."  I believe in miracles and I know modern medicine will not be enough to save me.  So there are two things I am going to do before I schedule my scan.  The first thing I am going to have Father Rookey pray over me.  http://frrookeyicm.org/

He has prayed for me  a couple of times in the past.  I always feel at peace after talking with him.

I recently was told about a shrine in Green Bay, Wisconsin, which is the only shrine in the United State which has documented miracles.http://www.shrineofourladyofgoodhelp.com/ Since it is a long drive, I am hoping we can be able to scrounge up a few dollars and be able to make it a mini vacation with the kids. A one night stay at a hotel with a pool would be fun since the little one never has spend the night at a hotel.  We planned on taking the drive last weekend but it rained all weekend. Hopefully, sometime in the next 2 weeks we can take the drive.

That's it for now.  I just finished day one of eight days of work in a row.  At least next week the shift are not the usual 12 hour shift.

Thank you for your continuing support and prayers. I really appreciate it.
God Bless,
Bill

All about Zach

I have been working on this post in my mind for months.  I wanted to write this in March but with everything else going on I didn't get the chance.  My little pumpkin turned 9 on March 7th.  In the past 9 years he never ceases to amaze me.  He has many of my qualities (not sure if that's a good thing) my charm, my ruggedly good looks, my love for food, my fascination with nature, my fast running skills (only difference is I was a fast runner/Zachary thinks he is a fast runner even though, sorry Zach but when you run I think your going backwards), the love of reading and the ability to make weird noises and I'm not talking about from his orifices. That is a whole different ball of wax there.  He has some of Sally in him as well.  His pickiness when it comes to meat, the washing of the hands obsessions, and his excessive talking,  That most definitely comes from my wife.  I probably shouldn't have said that though, But Man yada yada yada

Zachary has two loves in life, 3 if you count eating.  His two loves are turtles and Star Wars.  Either one of those topics he can spend hours non-stop on a one sided conversation going on and on about them..  Oh and the questions he ask?  Some questions are intelligent for example "Dad what was the first living turtle in the United States" and then he can ask the most annoying questions like "Dad who is your favorite clone trooper?".  Then there are the questions he ask which makes me want to hide under a rock a stay there until all the smoke clears.  Such as while he was preparing to make the Sacrament of Confession and there was a meeting with the kids and Father Keith.  Father Keith asked them if they had any questions and Zachary was one of the  first to hold up his hand.  I was waiting for my son to ask an intelligent question that would have Father Keith taken back. So I am sitting there with Sally and thinking, everyone my child is going to speak, silence please. We were waiting in anticipation as if EF Hutton himself was going to speak. Here it comes people, quiet please and then we heard a little voice ask "Did anything ever fall on your head?"  Father Keith looked at Zach what seemed like an hour but was actually 30 seconds. He answered with a quick "No not that I could remember". "Next question"  Why he asked it?  I am still not sure.  The fact that he asked it puzzles me  more.

 He is always thinking.  One day while we were in the car Sally asked him "If you were left all alone on a Island and the only living thing you could eat were bugs, would you eat them or starve to death?"  First Zachary said he would eat the grass and Sally said there is no grass to eat only sand .  Zachary thought for a second and said "I will eat my boogers then".  Most of the time he is quick witted and doesn't even realize it.

The sound effects that kid can produce are amazing.  I am determined to push Sally to figure out how to post a clip of Zach making the dolphin sound.  He sounds just like a dolphin.  At least to me he does.

The serious side of Zachary
 Yes he can be serious. I never met a child or an adult for that matter who will stop what they are doing when an ambulance goes by to pray.  He has often had everyone in the car pray with him when  we see an ambulance.  I am usually to busy looking to see what is going on to even think about praying and there is Zach in the back seat with his hands folded praying.  I went to pick him up from school and I parked towards the back and he didn't see the car.  I was able to see him though.  I sat in the car, laughing  and watching him while listening to the jams on the radio.  He looked around and after he didn't see me he made the sign of cross and folded his hands and I could see he was praying.  I felt bad to made him worry like that so I made my presence shown. I asked him what he was praying for and he said he was worried something had happened because I was late.  Several times I have seen him on his knees praying when I walked past his room.

My mother in law asked him one day if he thought about being a priest.  Zach replied he didn't want to be a priest because he wanted to get married and have kids some day.  He said he wanted kids because he didn't want to be left alone when he got older.  The thing about me having cancer, it makes my kids live in a world of uncertainty.  It's not like we tell them everything but it's hard to hide the fact that I have cancer especially when I am gone a lot for treatment and wear a chemo pump around.  Sally and I both try not to burden them with details and only tell as much information that is needed or asked. However, it's hard for a child not to think about death knowing there parent is ill.  He fears that everyone is going to die. Sometimes when Michael is out Zachary will tell Sally he has bad feeling Michael is going to get in an accident and die.  Often when Sally is gone he cries because he is afraid something bad has happened to her.  He cries the most of the time fearing his mom is going to die. I am like wait a minute I am the one that is dying here not her.  It breaks my heart to see him sad and to worry.  It's a lot for a little one to have to endure and that hurts me that I am not able to protect him against that.  A parent is suppose to make their kids feel safe and as a parent I can't.  That is one of the things that suck about cancer.

Zachary when you get older and are reading this I want you to know that I love you very much.  I am proud to have you as my son.  You remind me so much of me.  Sometimes when you are sleeping I just want to go up to you and squeeze you. I love that you are such a happy kid. I love to hear you sing as you go about your business.  I love that you are so loveable even at that age of 9, you still want to give your old dad hugs and kisses and cuddle up on the couch with me. I love that you are always thinking and challenging me with your question.  Whatever you do, do not change yourself to make someone else happy.  Do not let what a person says to you or do to you to defy yourself. Do not be follower but be a leader. You are strong enough to be a leader.  Always ask questions and challenge yourself. Never stop dreaming and go after your dreams. Always trust in God.  Most importantly remember your dad always loved you and always will love you no matter what.

Silly Girl

This is what Kaitlyn looked like prior to 12-31-2010.

This is what she looked after.  I was told she was going to have a couple of inches cut off.  But she looked at a magazine and told the beautician what she wanted.

This is what she looked liked on her Birthday morning. We noticed her hair had bangs transformed over night. There was not piles of hair to be found.  Kaity did not know how she got the bangs but later said she cut her hair in Michael's room. Which explains why we couldn't find the hair.

This is what she looks like now after an attempt was made to fix what was done.

By the way, Sally found the missing hair tucked underneath the couch.

Working on a special blog. Hope to have it posted by this weekend. 

The End Of The Rope

Today, Bill had an appointment with the oncologist to discuss what to do now. We knew that the tumor in the colon tested positive for the K-ras mutation. We were aware that means Bill is not a candidate to receive the chemo therapy drug Cetuximab. What caught both of us completely off guard was when Dr. Mboma told us this is the end of the rope. Which means, if the new chemo therapy treatment (which Bill begins April 7th) doesn't work, there is no more chemotherapy drugs for him to try. The only option would be to go to Chicago and participate in a trial study.

I wanted to cry. I am sure Bill wanted to do the same. But of course, we covered the tears up with humor. Dr. Mboma told Bill he can go back to the health club but he needs not to push himself so much. Sounds like Bill resembled the picture below from what Dr. Mboma described.

Which is funny because Bill described Dr. Mboam much differently.

We always see Dr. Mboama wearing a button down shirt, a tie, and often a jacket. He is a tall slender man. He kind of looks like the below picture minus the suspenders and the glasses and he isn't a nerd.

The way Bill described him he was built. I wouldn't know because Dr. Mboama wouldn't take off his shirt and tie for me. I can only imagine. But seeing him with his shirt and tie, one wouldn't know he was buffed. So I will just imagine him looking like this.

After we left, all I wanted to do was run away. If we had the means, I would gather all my babies and Bill too, and drive off into the sunset and leave the computers and phones behind. Go somewhere where we do not have to worry about the bills, house repairs, medical expenses, cancer,laundry. school, people being mean to the kids, etc... Just the 5 of us without a care in the world having fun and enjoying each others company and making life long memories.

We did the second best thing. We gathered the two little ones (since Michael was no where to be found) got in the car and drove to Baker Square for free pie Wednesday. It was good to see the kids silly and happy.

Now that's a face only a mother could love.

Then the pie arrived and there were more smiles.

And just for a few moments, life was exactly what it is suppose to be like.

Smelling Like A Rose

Sally here.  Just a quick update.  Bill is doing amazingly well.  He never ceases to surprise me.  Usually after the SIRT, the patient is usually in a lot of pain or has nausea really bad.  Bill has some pain but not enough to use the pain medication.  No nausea.  Another side effect is dead tiredness and Bill is tired but he is still functional.  I think half the reason he is tired is because he wakes up every 2 hours to use the bathroom which is contributed to the steroids he is taking.  He went to work today and worked the usual 12 hour shift. We both know all of this is only possible because of everyone who is praying for him.

Unfortunately, Bill did test positive for the KRAS mutation.  Even though it's not the news that we had hoped for, we know it's not the end. He will still receive chemo treatments and I am going to aggressively research the web and hopefully there are more options that we are not aware of.  Bill of course, has handled the latest set back in good spirits.

He has an appointment with the oncologist on Wednesday.  Treatment will be discussed.  Plus I am going to walk in with a notebook full of questions to ask.  Bill is also going to ask to be released from light duty from work.

I know we wouldn't be where we are today without all the support, prayers and love we are surrounded by.  Thanks everyone.

The Backside View

Today Bill had the selective internal radiation treatment done to the liver at UIC.  It went very well.  We will know in 2 to 3 months if the procedure killed the tumors in the liver.  So far, Bill is fairing well.  He is not nauseated and the pain is minimal so far.  It is not unusual for pain and nausea after this procedure.  Maybe tomorrow he will be feeling the effects.  Because of the radiation, he needs to stay away from the little ones for the next week.  He can hug them but they are not allowed to sit on his lap.  He needs to stay 3 feet away from them and do not spend no more than 2 hours with them at a time.  It is going to be hard but he will be going back to work on Sunday which will help with the situation.  Another side effect he might have to deal with is major fatigue.  He is on steroids to help combat the fatigue. He was told the fatigue lasts for about 2 weeks.  Hopefully, it won't be so bad for him.  Right now him and Zachary are having a contest on who can snore the loudest.  Bill is in the lead.  I need to add ear plugs to my shopping list.

I know it's Bill's blog but I thought it would be different to show my perceptive.  Today, I spent 12 hours at the hospital with Bill and I wanted to share a little about my day.  Instead of making it all about Bill's day.

We arrived at the hospital around 7am.  At 10:30 they began the SIRT on Bill and he was finished at noon.  I sat in the waiting room by myself bored.

When we went back to the room, I was sent on a food room.  I had the privilege of looking and smelling all the delicious hospital food.  How someone can eat that food day in and day out baffles me. I can barely tolerate it for a day.  I then had to go to the gift shop to get the rest of the food items (candy) that were on his list.  One good thing that came out of it, I met a lady on the elevator and she gave me a menu for a local restaurant that has good food.  Hopefully, we will never have to go back to UIC again, but if so I am bringing the menu.

I get back to the room and help Bill with his food since he had to lay almost flat.  First, was the liquid tray.  Then we the regular tray. I had to cut up his turkey and butter his role. He also had a grilled cheese sandwich, peaches and cottage cheese,stuffing, green beans, and a yogurt banana smoothie.  I was thinking the entire time. this resembles nothing of a liquid diet he was told to be on to help prevent him from getting nauseated
and vomiting everywhere. 
After that he watched TV and slept.  He rattled the room with his snoring.

Once again, I was bored.  So I decided to paint my nails since it's rare to be able to paint them and not move long enough for them to dry at home. I recently discovered a new brand on nail polish called Zoya.  It stays

on longer and is safer then other brands. 

I realized there was a beautiful window view from the room.  I stared out, while he snored away.


Ester, the nurse practitioner, came in the room to check on Bill and woke him up.  She talked to us for awhile and shortly later Bill was able to sit op and move around.  Ester asked Bill what he wanted for dinner.  He told her to surprise him.  So he waited with anticipation for his dinner surprise.  And he was surprised.
Publish Post

A liquid diet is not what he had in mind.  So I was off to down stair for another food run. In the mean time he took over my chair and watched more TV.  I got the pleasure of watching court shows all day.


The  joys of the cafeteria.  Reminds me of high school but I think the food in high school was a tad better.  Then another trip to the gift shop for more candy.

Bill cramming down a hot dog.  He couldn't have a Snickers until he ate his hot dog.

Then we sat some more while he watched TV and slept some more.
 
When he did wake up again, I managed to make him him a little agitated but I can't remember exactly what I did.


I think that was when I told him the gift shop closed and there would be no more candy runs.

I also saw a lot of this.


Unfortunately. I think a lot of people got to see that.  His gown was on the shorter side as well.  So there was a lot of front exposure too.  I would have taken a picture of it but I was afraid Bill would lose all of his blog fans.  Plus, there were enough pictures taken of that area for a medical publication in Brazil. I hope Bill is enjoying his sleep while I am taking pleasure of being a good wife and writing a post for him.