House of Shame

It's hard to believe 2012 is here already. I hope everyone has a great New Year with many blessings to follow. A month ago at this time we were at Disney and yet it seems like it was months ago. Sally was looking at some of my old posts.  She made an observation that the things I said I wanted to work on 3 years ago still apply today.  I was a little annoyed with what she said and of course tried to defend myself.  Ultimatly, she is right.  I hope I have grown and learned a lot, and changed for the better in the past 3 years.  I feel in many aspects I have.  However, I am not where I want to be in my life.  I still have a lot to accomplish.

2012 will be the year I get it right.  I am here on borrowed time.  Not sure if I will be here for 2013. If I am here in 20013, Sally will not be able to say, I didn't finish what I set out to do in 2009.   I need to stop saying I want to, or I will try.  I need to replace those words with I will.  I will start going to church more often, I do pray but I need to pray more.   I feel like I am in good graces with the Lord but not sure if that's good enough.  I need to be sure, so I got some work to do. 

Another thing I will do is to take better care of myself.  I can fool myself into thinking I do but if I am honest with myself I know that is not the case. I am going to make it a point to start choosing better foods or at least think about it.  Honestly, I am going to try but in reality I prefer the not so healthy choices.  What I will do, is follow up with the doctor appointments.  That is something I usually don't do unless Sally says something.  I am also going to take my medication like I am suppose to and not miss doses.  No excuses.  I am going to make a point to eat even when I don't want to but know that I should.  That is a big one.  It's hard to eat when I don't feel good.  I have noticed often when I am pushed to eat, I do feel better sometimes, but not always.  I have already started to dress warmer and bundle up for the cold.  I never wore a hat in the winter until recently.  Sometimes, I even wear a sky mask.  My family laughs. They tell me I look like I am going to rob someone.At least I am warm, so that ridicule doesn't bother me in the least.  I now have gloves, hats and boots.  The only think I need to do is get a scarf. Kaity offered to lend me her purple scarf but I am still trying to hold on to  my man hood.

Another item of buisness I am going to take care of, is my financial one.  I have not, as of yet, got all my ducks in a row.   This is something that I can no longer wait to do.  If I don't, this will cause Sally a lot of  extra grief she does not need.  I need to take care of all the past due bills and notices.  After that, I am going to put the car title in her name and put her on the deed of the house.  That I should have done years ago.  Luckily, I am still here to fix all of that for her.

Next is my family life.  It's hard to admit, there is work to be done in that department.  I often like to tell myself everything is fine at home.  In reality, 2011 took a tow on my marriage. We are not in the same place as we were a year ago.We drifted apart instead of growing stronger.  My kids, I hope have many good memories of me.  I am going to make more good memories with them.  I want to make so many that they will not forget me.  I am also going to work on how I treat them.  I am going to make a point of getting after them less and praising them more.  I am going to make sure they know how much I love them and that I am proud of them and not to assume they know. 

The last thing on my list is more of a want, then I will. It's a want because I am limited on talent and on funds for this one.  I need to get the house in order. Or at least do what I can.  There is so much that needs to be done.  Not just for cosmetic reasons but for health issues as well.  I never intended to raise my family in this house.  It was suppose to be temporary.  Never thought after 13 years of marriage we would still be living in an over crowded house and sharing a bed with a 4 year old. I think our house is the thing we are most shameful of.  At least for me it is.  I know Sally despises it and recently mentioned selling it and renting.  Honestly, I don't think I could even sell it.  With the mold, bathroom in despair,out dated kitchen and the sometimes water in the vents I don't think I could get what I still owe on it. We do everything we can to avoid people from coming over.  The kids are not allowed to invite their friends over to play as well.  It's embarrassing for us to let people see how we live.  I am going to give it my try to do what I can to try to improve it though.  Even if it's just painting a few rooms, it will help a lot.  It might even help out in the marriage department as well.  Unless, the Extreme Home Makeover makes a surprise appearance, my house will never be good enough for my family but I am hoping I can make it where they are not ashamed to live there. 

Hopefully, in 2013 I will have new list with all new things on it.  Even, if I am able to accomplish part of my list, my life will be better for it.  If in 2013, my list is the same, I will have failed myself and will have to comfort my sorrows in a huge bowl of Rocky Road ice cream.

This is what I need to do this year and I am going to do my hardest to get it done so my wife  can be proud of me. God Bless you all.