Happy Thanksgiving

I like Thanksgiving because it's the time when everyone reflects on what they are thankful for.  We take so much for granted and do not always realize what we have until it is taken away.  I am thankful for so much.  However being ill, I often think how lucky I am for my life, the people in it and what I have.  I noticed it seems the more people have the more they want.  I think it's sad in a way they are not happy with what they have.  They always want something that is bigger, better, flashier or newer.  I have notice the people who struggle, are often the ones that are grateful for what they have.  They seem to be more content and happier in life.  It's just my observation and I am not saying everyone is like that.  It seem the majority of people I come across are that way though. In a way, I think it's more of a blessing to have less then it is to have more.


My family asked me today what I am thankful for.  Of course I could go on and on but the thing I said was "I am thankful  for being alive".  Sally replied "Isn't that a curse?".  I hope she meant it because of how I have been feeling and everything I am going through.  I hope she didn't mean she is being cursed because I am still here being a thorn in her side.  Even with everything I am going through and even on my worse days, I am thankful to be here and doing as well as I am doing.  Things could always be worse.


Today our Thanksgiving day didn't go as planned.  The original plans were to go with my mother in law to the soup kitchen and help.  Afterwards, we were going to go her house and make Thanksgiving dinner. Mary ended up sick.  So we decided to postpone dinner until she is feeling better.  We wanted to make sure she was able to enjoy it.  Sally and I decided we would go to our church and partake in their community dinner.  We never ate there before but we volunteered a couple of times and Sally usually sends a couple of  dishes and a carved turkey there. 


This year it seemed a little weird to go there and be on the receiving end but I was actually looking forward to it.   The parking lot didn't seem very crowded so I was happy.  When we walked into the door we were greeted and a lady gave us name tags.  I was signing in and I heard the boys laughing and Kaity crying.  I turned around to see what was going on.  Kaity was wearing a name tag that read "Kiki".  The boys were calling Kaity  Kiki as they were laughing.  I couldn't help but laugh but she was devastated.  Sally went to get a new name tag for her and the lady apologized to Kaity. Then it was time to find a table. Well.... all the tables were occupied. There was one table that only had 2 people sitting at it. It were two men and they looked like they were homeless. Sally said "no".  I told her that wasn't the Christian thing to do.  She said she was worried about the kids.  The guys did look a little scary and I could just imagine  what the little ones would do. The only thing left to do was to separate but Sally said it's a holiday and we need to be together.  So we left. Yes, it was the holiday but, she was judging.


We get back to the car and started driving around looking for an open place to eat at.  The boys didn't seem to mind.  They were still making "Kiki" jokes and being entertained by making their little sister cry.  We ended up at Bakers Square. It wasn't what I had in mind.  But I did have a turkey sandwich.  I spent the rest of the day relaxing and playing G.I. Joes with Zach.  

So it wasn't our typical Thanksgiving but I am sure it's one the kids will not forget.  I still have a Thanksgiving dinner to look forward to.  Hopefully this weekend.  


Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  I am also thankful for everyone who has been praying for me and supporting me.  


God Bless,
Bill

The Truth Is......only the facts

The truth is, I would rather write funny post then serious ones.
The truth is, my good day is equivalent to I am not feeling well days from the past.
The truth is, I don't think I will ever feel good ever again.
The truth is, I fear my bad day now might be my good in the the future.
The truth is, I would rather be working then being home all day.
The truth is, I took living and good health for granted.
The truth is, I don't like all the paper work I  have stacked up for me to fill out.
The truth is, I am waiting for Sally to do the paper work for me.
The truth is, I like to drive alone in the car and blast the music,this way I don't have to think to much.
The truth is, I have ugly feet and stabbed Sally with my toe nail. That was quite funny at the time.
The truth is, I love the music of the 70's. You have a problem with that?
The truth is, I still like to listen to Hard Rock music.
The truth is, Sally plays Angry Birds even though she claims it's a dumb game.
The truth is, Sally is still playing Angry Birds three hours later after complaining how stupid the game is.
The truth is, I love using Purex Crystals when I am doing laundry. I like doing laundry,Problem?
The truth is, I have been doing more laundry then my wife does, in my sleep.
The truth is, I like to make weird noises when people aren't looking.Sometimes even when they are.
The truth is, I want a home  make over while I am in Disney (I can still dream)
The truth is, I have to be facing the door when I eat at a restaurant. I want to be the first to see the shooter.
The truth is, I wish I wrote more post. Don't have time like I wished I had.
The truth is, it's hard to write when I don't feel good.
The truth is, I still hold my wife's hand.Need I say more.
The truth is, I like to mix mashed potatoes and corn together. Like pea and carrots.
The truth is, I like Scrambled Eggs mixed with Ketchup. nothing like it
The truth is, I like Parmesan Cheese mixed with popcorn isn't bad either.
The truth is, I like to make Christmas cookies. all kinds
The truth is, I cried watching Toy Story Three. PLEASE, keep this to yourself.
The truth is, I wear boxer briefs. sometimes nothing at all.
The truth is, I ate most of Zach's Easter candy one year and Christmas and Halloween ect.
The truth is, when I admit wrong doing, it's because I don't want Sally to know she isn't perfect. It might devastate her.
The truth is, I like the luncheon meat Spam and Treet,
The truth is, When Sally burps it is one of the most terrifying sounds I will ever hear.
The truth is, I enjoy conversations with myself rather than with others.
The truth is, Sally has conversations with herself because I don't normally hear her..
The truth is, I am more fascinated with Zach's turtles and they are fascinated with me as well.
The truth is, I like to make Sally mad.  She looks funny when she is mad. Don't do it that much though.
The truth is, I really like to antagonize my kids and anybody else s kids too.
The truth is, I will stare at my kids as they talk to me and not hear a thing half the time.
The truth is, The Cubs will always be better than the Sox. No matter how bad the Cubs are.
The truth is, I like to shop at Bath and Body Works. I like to smell good.
The truth is, I love to read books and devastated when Borders closed.
The truth is, I don't like the way Caillou talks.
The truth is, When I proposed to Sally and she said "yes" I was surprised.
The truth is, Sally and I on dates would sit outside of bars and laugh at the people going in.
The truth is , Sally beat me at darts once and I mean only ONCE!
The truth is, I was on a dart league for a bar named Piggy's
The truth is, I think The Dick Van Dyke show was the best sitcom ever.
The truth is, I wonder why contestants on Dancing with the Stars are called stars.
The truth is, I fear being forgotten by friends and family
The truth is, It took me over a month to do this somewhat easy blog.

The Ugly Part 2

I usually don't have a problem telling how I feel or what I go through physically.  I do however, have a  hard time talking about the financial aspect.  I fear if I express myself freely people would think I am asking for handouts or they may feel obligated to help.  Which is not what I want.  So, I usually try to re-frame from talking about our fiances.  I realized I am not being honest in not sharing.  Since, I said from the very beginning I will share everything I am going through.  Hiding the fact that cancer had made me bankrupt is one of the common realities with some of us people who are fighting cancer.


Tonight, as I am writing this I find myself cautiously convening my thoughts and carefully choosing my words.  I find it more embarrassing that I am not able to afford being sick then the fact I have colon cancer.  It seems like lately the financial part of it has been consuming more of my time then my cancer itself has. When I was first diagnosed, almost 3 years ago, I had HMO. Paying for my treatments and medication was not that difficult.  The next 2 years, HMO went away and I had to choose a  different insurance provider.  The premiums went up a lot.  As well as the co-payments and medication.  With the switch, I am now required to pay additional  co-payments for chemo treatments and a $250 co-payment for each procedure. Plus there is no cap on out of pocket expenses.  This year I had several procedures which all added up.  Now the diabetes and because of that I have an additional $200 a month for medication and supplies


Sally and I tried for months to spend wisely. But yet, we did splurge some on taking our kids places to make memories for them.  The holidays we have been doing a little extra, in case it's their last one with me. I want them to remember it especially.  


To be honest, Sally was the one in charge of all the bills.  She made the payments and kept track of all of that.  She 95% of the time she would tell me we are fine.  I found out later she did a lot of juggling to keep me from worrying. When I was working it was easy for her to keep up the pa sod.  Now that I am home. she can't hide it. I hear all the phone calls now.  I knew it would be a struggle to be on disability leave.  Sally assures me it will get easier.  In the mean time it is very frustrating for me.  I went to file for bankruptcy. I   was able to scrape of enough to pay it in full.  However, I can not file bankruptcy until we are current on our morgage.  I went to take money out of the 401K.  However, I can't unless the house is in foreclosure and that is only for the amount we need to get the house out of foreclosure.  Then I was told if I get a letter from the IRS to prove I am perminately disable I can withdraw the entire 401K.  So I applied for social security.  If I am approved I won't be able to start collecting until March. My concern now is getting the approval letter so I can get the 401K.  So now I am waiting for the letter.  Hoping the letter comes sooner then later. 
 


In the mean time we are struggling to keep our utilities, feeding the kids, and paying for my medical.  And not to mention the phones constant rings because people want their money.  I don't answer because I have no clue what is going on.  About a month ago Sally applied for food stamps.  It is a slow process. She faxed in all the information and it waiting for an answer.  She was told today it may take up to 4 weeks for an approval.  Sally said she thinks we will get denied because of the 401K I have that I can not touch.  In a way it's almost comical.  She did contact a couple of agencies for help.  We are waiting to see if they will contact us.  There is so much paper work involved in all of this.  It takes hours to fill it all out and gather all the information for each time we try to get help.


The worse part of it all is the kids.  It's upsetting when you are not able to provide for them and give them everything they need and a little of what they want just to be able to be just a kid. We were not able to sign them up for soccer.  They were both disappointed but we could not afford it. We cut back on everything we possibly can.  Except for the internet, but to me it's more of a need,.  Then there are the kids' speech therapy, Kaity's pre-school, and her dance lessons. They can live without it, but it's important for them to continue.  It feels like we have to agonize about every penny that is spent.  I now know how hard it must have been for my mom to raise 4 kids on a waitress salary.


A couple days a go we were on our way to an oncologist appointment.  I was driving on the express way and another car hit us.  The guy that hit us didn't stop and he was going to fast we couldn't get his licence plate or a good description for the car.  There is a nice dent in the front fender.  We decided not to file a police report because we feared our insurance would go up.  Lord knows we can't afford paying more.  Plus, I couldn't afford to fork out the deductible.  Maybe in the distant future, I can have the dent pop out.


Sally doesn't complain with what is going on.  She still manages to find things to make for dinner.  As long as she has a bag of flour she said she can always figure out something to make.  I know she feels bad that she can't buy Kaity dresses for the winter. She always tells me we will be OK.  But whenever we talk about going to Disney and Christmas I can tell she is worried. She has been fighting a lot of head aches lately and stomach issues. I think it's due to stress.  To be honest, I do worry about our fiances but I do not lose sleep over it.  God has always taken care of us and I know He will continue.  


Like I said from the beginning.  I am not asking for, hinting, or wanting help. I feel like a fraud keeping this part of my life hidden.  Especially, since I have been open about my illness.  This is another aspect of my life due to my illness.  No ones plans on being this ill for this length of time.  I shouldn't be embarrass because of my predicament but I am.I am hoping someone else who is battling an illness reads this and realizes they are not alone.  I will get through this and so will they.


I don't want people to feel uncomfortable from asking about how we are doing. It is still nice hearing from all of you that care and are making this life lesson easier to cope with. All we need are the prayers and we will be fine.Love ya all.     

Weekly Update

Chemo is kicking me in the rump.  Yes, it's a blunt statement but there is no other way to describe it.  I had chemo (today) Wednesday and it's been down hill ever since.  I am hoping this cycle will end quickly.  I have been blessed in the past with very little side effects from the treatments but it feels like I am making it up with the last two infusions I had.  I have been dealing with nausea, stomach cramping, and some vomiting.  Oh yeah, tiredness as well these past few treatments. If I could I would sleep my life away. It's really getting hard for me to deal with lately. I have always had jobs that I worked hard at and did well and  moved up the ladder frequently.

My first job was at Dog N Suds in Highland at age 15  as a Freshman at Bishop Noll. By 17 I was a manager.I than applied at Shakey's. I was only making 2.40 at Dog N Suds and had to look for better pastures. I  got a job at Shakey's and Dog N Suds closed shortly after (coincidence)  I worked 2 and a half hours( not days) and quit Shakey's cause the manager there said I walk to slow. I was are you kidding me. I am new and learning the job and already on my case. I felt I should have gotten a better chance. So I cut my losses and left. By the way Sally can walk faster than me, so never judge somebody by how fast they walk.(shortly after they closed coincidence, I think not). I than started delivering papers for awhile. I had about 20 papers to deliver and had to walk about 2 miles to get to my route. I earned about 15 dollars every two weeks. I quit just after Christmas and made a lot of money in Christmas bonuses. I had the paper delivered by 7am every morning and in the mail boxes or doors. I would get letters from customer saying how they missed me. The company that I was working for wanted me to train my replacement. I was thinking I never got trained so I had to decline.That company isn't around anymore either. Now its getting weird.  I got a job at Sterk's Super Foods(Sibley Blvd in Hammond) from a friend. I started out as a bagger a few months later stocker a few months after night crew stocker......night crew chief(lead stocker)......Dairy foods manager with store manager resposibilities(opening-closing the store as well as running the store) Later on got Frozen foods added.I was transferred to the Columbus Dr, East Chicago store. Had the same jobs with a little more store management duties.I had to finally look for another job cause I was only making about $9.00 an hour.I really hated to do it cause I did like the job. It wasn't the store managers fault. The owner was very cheap and didn't compensate his employees the way he should have. I won't mention his name though. Needless to say both those stores are now closed or bought out,ummmm. I got a job at the dairy that supplied us. I started as a by products stacker-gallon and quart fillers machine operator-load out crew and a load out foreman. I decided to get off the load out crew because of personnel problems on the other shift that I had no control over. After word got out I was looking for another job business started to slow down drastically until it closed on Halloween,double ummm. After taking a few months off during Christmas time,I started looking hard for job. Avery had a add that I jumped at. I investigated what they did so if I got an interview I would know what to say about them to make me more knowledge savy besides the obvious questions. I got a call after applying twice. The funny thing Is my mother in law said I will get a job in March cause that is St Josephs feast month who is the patron saint of Fathers,Husbands and Workers ect.Sure enough got a call on March 3rd and started working on the 7th or 8th. I had a lot of different jobs there as well finally having to go on disability and being a lead operator.I always liked the challenge of being in charge.

Leaving Avery was very very hard for me. One of the hardest decisions I had to make.That is where I stand now. I liked being in the work force and I miss it tremendously. This not to say that being home with my family is bad, it's great. It's just now I feel like nothing and not being able to support my family the way I should. I am going to stop there because of how long this is getting. I will have a part 2 tomorrow to mention more about what the rest of the family is dealing with. God Bless you all and thank you for taking half your day to read this.

Oooooohhhh that Zach

Not sure how I should say this.  Not sure if I should say this.  What should I do?   It's been my dilemma ever since a few  nights ago. That  night, Sally was checking the history on the computer.  I think she was checking up on me.  She denied it of course.  What she stumbled upon.........  Left us scratching our heads and rubbing our eye balls.  She looked at me and said "What the Heck!".(the pg version of what she really said).   She looked at me and I looked at her and before she had a chance to say anymore I had to say "It wasn't me".  Really it isn't me.  After we took a few minutes to soak it all in we clicked on one of the links.  Then we had a laugh.  It's very disturbing and mind bottling. It's amazing what people think to look up on the inter net.  It's puzzling how a child of mine would think of such a bizarre thing to look at. Wait a minute I can see that.  We presumed it was a child.  I do not think Sally would be interested in it and I most defiantly would not care to see.  There was at least 30 YouTube videos on the same theme.  Not sure how to describe it. So I guess the best thing to do is to show you.  I must warn you the following videos are disturbing.  It's more disturbing to know that someone in my house takes a liking to these.  Please do not judge my family.We are trying to find the proper help for this person.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.  

video one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WBOLQzj2e1o

video two

http://youtu.be/V7yuUzLNiQw

video three

http://youtu.be/oGWbt3DSje0

video four

http://youtu.be/nTegy6sBQVA

By the process of elimination we figured out the responsible person.  Sally and I both have no interest in this subject mater. At least now that I am older. We have our own and each others  to look at and play with.  Michael has his own computer.  Kaity is limited to her computer skills.  Then there is Zach.  And then I remember one day I was laying on the couch sleeping and it was the weekend. Zach later come in the living room without me knowing it and started playing on the computer.  I started to  hear some weird music coming from below me. I looked down and saw Zach sitting on the floor with the computer.  I glanced at the screen and saw what I saw. Zach jumped and closed out the screen,and started to play a game. Then he said "I don't know what happened it just popped up." I was really tired and told Zach to put the computer away.  I went back into my deep  sleep and forgot all about it until Sally's discovery.  We confronted Zach, his face turned all red, he said it wasn't me, and ran away to his room.  It explains why we keep seeing him in the past recently days playing with his stomach and belly button.  He made us swear not to tell anyone.  So I am not saying a word.  But it's to funny not to share. So I am keeping my mouth shut but I didn't promise I wouldn't keep my fingers still.  

That is a quick blog. I will do another blog about my progress or regression,whatever the situation may be very soon.