Forge ahead

Today has been a very long day. Actually the week has been a long week. Not one of the best weeks I have had. The call on Monday from the doctor's office helped set the mood. Then there was a couple off rough days at work. During the quiet times my mind wondered about the impending CT scan results. I tried to convince myself the reason I was called was to come in for an appointment was just to let me know everything was fine. Deep down I knew something was up though. Sally thought maybe the tumor in the spine.I was having some back pains.

Then today came. It was a torture. Waiting and waiting for the results. Not that I want to hear bad news but the news that is given is always easier to deal with then what is playing in your mind. In the waiting room I had a hard time breathing. I am sure it was a near encounter with a panic attack. Then I was called into the doctor's office and that's when the real fear took place. After the nurse took my vitals and information we sat there and waited and waited and waited some more. We had to wait over an hour. In the mean time Sally and I try to keep our minds occupied. We watched the people walking in the parking lot making comments(making fun,old habits are hard break). about them. Finally the oncologist walked in and as soon as I seen his face I knew it wasn't good news. This is the part where I was hoping to write everything is fine and we were worried for nothing. Unfortunately, I am not able to say that. I knew the chances of cancer coming back was great. I knew that the doctor wanted to see me wasn't a good sign. Yes the cancer is back. It's back in the liver. The same spot where it was before but there are two more smaller tumors next to it.

What does this mean? Obviously it's a set back but that's all it is a set back. I have all the faith and hope everything will be fine. My prognosis hasn't changed. It's the same as the first day I walked in to the oncologist office. All the options I had then I still have now. The obvious I am going back on chemotherapy. I began treatment today. I am receiving bi-weekly infusion treatments of Avastin (which isn't a chemo drug), followed by infusion treatments of Oxaliplantin every 3 weeks, and I am taking an oral chemo drug called Exeloda. I go in every week for blood work. Also, I am going to be seeing the cancer surgeon at UIC. The tumors are all on the same lobe in the liver which means he might be able to remove them. He also mentioned last time about zapping them out with a laser type thingy. Tuesday I am going in for a PET scan to see if the cancer has travel else where. Which means more fun in waiting for test results.

The waiting for the results is actually worse then getting bad news. Once the news is out in the open it is easier to deal with. The not knowing is what takes years off your life. I am not looking forward to dealing with the side effects from chemo. But dealing with the side effects is a lot better then not having the option of having treatment. As long as there is treatment available there is hope. I have this thing about people having to blame someone or something for their misfortunes. I do not blame God, or evil, or fate. I blame Sally my wife. It's her fault. She jinxed me when she went back to school.So there I said it,I feel better now.

As I am writing this, I am reluctant to post this. It's not that I am ashamed , embarrassed, or want to be secretive. It's the fear of being pitied. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or treat me with kid gloves. Even though I know people have good intentions and mean well I just want to live my life like I did before the "C" word was mentioned. I am a guy who happens to have cancer, cancer does not have me.I may have lost this battle ,but I will win the war. I am confident of that.

Thank you all for your prayers,but we still have work. Lets get it done.