Monday, May 28, 2012

Don't Be Sorry

"I am sorry you have to go through this." I hear this all the time.  Don't be. I am not. I am glad I was able to have Bill in my life.  Good and bad I am grateful for it all. So please don't feel sorry for me.  I am sorry Bill had to go through what he did.  I am sorry that Bill had to suffer.  I am sorry that Bill's life was to short and he didn't get to do everything he wanted to do.  I am sorry that my kid's do not have their father any longer. I am sorry for my lost.  

If I didn't have to go through this it would mean I would not have been a part of Bill's life. My heart is aching but it's only aching because I had the love of my life.  I found someone who truly loved me.  He loved all of my not just a part of me. He loved some of my flaws and even loved me when I was unlovable.   He saw things in me that no one else ever did.  He excepted me for as I am, not for who he wanted me to be. 

I am thankful I was able to be with Bill from the beginning to the end. I am thankful he had me and never had to go through it alone.  I am thankful, I am the last person he ever touched and the last person he ever saw.  

Not only my heart is broken, but I am incredibly lonely.  It's OK though.  I am lonely because I lost my best friend.  I lost the one person who I was able to talk to about everything. The person who knew my secrets and dreams.  The one person who was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.   The one person who would sit next to me holding my hand while watching TV every night.  The one person who was my partner in crime.

Yes, I am grieving.  It's OK though.  I had a great life with Bill.  Not a perfect life but it was a good life. A life I would do all over again for.  I am grieving for the life I once had and will never have again.  I am grieving for all the dreams we had together that will never be for filled.  

Memories.  I am surrounded by memories.  Many of them put tears in my eyes.  All the memories are reminders of all the times we once had and knowing those times will never be repeated with him.  I am glad he left me with lots of memories.  For we lived a full life and did lot of memorable things together.  

Instead of feeling sorry for me, be sorry for those who never got the chance to experience a life like I have had.  For they are the ones with the greater loss

Out With A Bang

Yesterday, was the funeral.  I think Bill would have enjoyed it. Even though the visitation was  3 days after his death, I had months to plan  in my head.  It was very important to Bill for me to have the wedding of my dreams.  I was happy with a small one but he said I deserved better.  He paid for the entire wedding including my gown.  With that said, I thought Bill deserved a grand exit.  Every detail was very important to me because those things were the very last things I could do for him.  He worked hard his entire life to provide for us and did without.  So, I didn't want anything to be left out while planning his farewell. It felt like I was on the go from the morning of his death until the funeral trying to get everything right. 

Bill and I always joked around about buying his casket at Costco.  We both loved shopping there and spent a lot of time there.  It was an on going joke about running to Costco for our funerals.  So, in honor of our many shopping trips together at Costco, I did order his casket from there.  To be honest, I don't think I could have looked at caskets in person.  The casket was blue which was his favorite color. There was a spray of fresh red roses on top of the casket.  I did it to coordinate with the Chicago Cubs' colors. 

Bill had lost over 70 pounds.  His clothes were all to big for him.  Zachary and I went together to buy him a new suit.  We matched the suit to a blue shirt and a Cubs tie.  Both boys wore the same color shirt and had the same tie to match Bill's. Kaity and I wore Cub's bracelets.   Bill always liked to joke around and be a little different.  He never liked being serious.  Being dressed up was more of a chore then a pleasure for him.  Even though no one would see, I thought a little humor was needed.  Bill had on a pair of Cookie Monster boxes on underneath his suit.  The kids had a pillow that was decorated with red and blue flower and had a "dad" ribbon on it which was placed in the casket.

The prayer cards that were chosen looked like holy cards.  We chose them because Bill liked to buy holy cards and had a stack of them.  Michael picked out the passage to be printed on them.  He picked out a one that talked about a father because Bill was the only "father" he never knew. 

I had poster boards of pictures on display.  I wanted everyone to see the life Bill lived. Family members gathered up old photos and a family friend put them on a DVD.  He did a terrific job. The DVD played on 2 TVs during the entire time. I had our wedding photo album there.  I wanted everyone to see the best day of my life besides when my children were born.  I had a photo album that I gave to Bill on our 10th wedding anniversary.  It was intimate but I wanted to let everyone know what kind of marriage we had.  I remember when I gave the book to Bill.  He told me he wanted to be buried with it.  I hope he forgives me for not honoring his wishes. I saved it for the kids to look at when they are older.  I also had a photo album from our trip to Disney.  It was our first family vacation and our last with the 5 of us.  It's the vacation that no one in my family will forget.  It was important to display pictures of us having a great time just 5 months prior to his death.  What not many people know that Bill was in tremendous pain during the trip.  He didn't complain and he pushed himself the entire time so the kids would have great memories.  The last thing I had on display was Bill's good bye letter.  He wrote it almost 3 years ago.  He was about to undergo surgery and was afraid he would not survive.  The day before he posted his blog a post to his family and friends. .  I think his feelings were the same them as they were now.

The one thing I couldn't plan was all the beautiful floral arrangements that filled the viewing room. Or all the people that came to pay their last respects and to show their support.  There was a lot of laughter which I know Bill would have loved. 

The day we put Bill to rest, I placed a family picture in his hand.  As a symbol he will always have a hold on me and the kids.  I also placed a dollar in his pocket because I didn't want him to be buried broke.  His 3 sisters, a brother, a nephew, and Michael were the pallbearers.  Michael told me that the only thing he could focus on was his memories.  The memories he had of Bill carrying him when he was little. All the piggy back rides Bill gave him.  The memories of Bill picking him up when he would fall.  And the irony of Michael carrying Bill to rest now. 

Like I said, I tried to plan every detail to make it as much of Bill as I could.  That even included me.  When Bill and I started dating my hair was short and blond.  So I had my hair cut (not has short as Bill would have wanted but much shorter then I liked) and I also had blond highlights put in.  I wore a dressed that Bill liked as well. 

The church service was beautiful.  I wanted the focus to be happiness and not sorrow.  I tried to pick out songs and reading that were cheerful and not sad.  I thought the choir did a beautiful job and the sermon fit perfectly.

I chose to bury Bill at the cemetery where my great grandparents, grandparents, my dad as well as many relatives have been buried at.  Since we are not old, I chose the new section at the cemetery,  Our plots are out in the open.  It will be a family plot that will allow us more options down the road.  The grave side service was touching.  We were handed a flowers off a red, blue, and white arrangement (Cubs colors) which was fitting.  There was even a touch of Bill's humor to the service.  Somebody accidentally pushed on the casket and it started to roll on the holder.  I stood there waiting for the casket to roll off until someone saved the day and stopped it.  I chose to have the casket lowered at the service.  It was hard for me to watch but I wanted our children to see.  I wanted them to realize that Bill is being buried.  With them being so young, it's a hard concept for them to grasp.

I had a luncheon after the funeral.  Bill and I always celebrated life with food.  I chose a place that meant a lot to me.  It was a place that Bill took me a few times while we were dating.  The same place we went on the night he purposed to me.  It was also the place we went for lunch sometime before he had chemo infusions. To keep with the Bill Ceiga's family tradition, ice cream was served at the end.  Because, ice cream has away of making things better, even a funeral.  :)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The World Has Lost a Great Man

Not really sure were to begin.  It's all just been a big blur.  On Tuesday, May 22, I lost my best friend, the father of my children, and the love of my life.  Bill wasn't ready to go and he fought to the very end. He died holding my hand. I am not sure what more to say besides my heart is crushed and the world as my kids and I know it has ended.

Friday, April 27, 2012


This morning Bill was suppose to have the paracentesis done.  We were told by doing this it would drain the fluid in his abdomen and give him some relief. The fluid is caused by the liver poorly functioning.  There was a scheduling error and Bill was not able to have the procedure done at out patient.  We went to the E.R because he was in tremendous pain and with all the all fluid being retained he had trouble breathing. He was able to have the paracentesis done at the hospital.  Unfortunately, it didn't go as planned.  There were to many pockets in the abdomen which only allowed for a small amount of fluid to be removed.  Bill is still in a lot of pain but hopefully should be feeling better later tonight.  He is being kept at the hospital so the pain can be managed better.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Bad News

Sally here

Bill had 7 great days in a row.  His pain was minimal.  It  was wonderful to have our old life back.  Even if it was just for a short time.  Unfortunately, like usual for us the good is shortly followed by the bad.  Bill's pain gradually came back. This pass Sunday, he started to look a little jaundice.  He was running no fever and felt OK and still had an appetite.  In fact he gained 14 pounds in 2 weeks and he mentioned that his belly is getting big again.  Yesterday, he went for routine blood work for his chemo treatment.  We found out today the billirubin is elevated.  Chemo was cancelled and replaced with a CT scan and ultra sound.  With the billirubin high, there was concerned that either the stent in the bile duct was clogged again or the tumor in the bile duct has grown.  The test showed that the cancer has grown in the liver. They can not tell if the stent is clogged or the tumor has grown in the bile duct.  Bill's abdomen in retaining fluid and needs to be drained (reason for the rapid weight gain and extended tummy).  Since the cancer is no longer responding to chemo, it has been stopped.  Tomorrow, Bill has an appointment with the G.I. doctor.   He will eventually have an appointment with the oncologist to see if there are any options left.

Bill is doing well.  He is handling the news much better then I am. All 3 of the kids know and  seem to be handling the news OK.  Kaity said she wants her daddy here and not in Heaven.  Bill and I will shortly be taking the kids out for ice cream.  Ice creams always makes things seem better.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I'm still here.

Thank you Zach, for writing the last post.  I am very proud of you and happy to call you my son.

I am sorry for not posting in a long time.  Truth is, I was not feeling so well.  Zach mentioned some of it on his post.  I was in tremendous pain for weeks. The pain medication I was on did not help. I often spent my days in bed which made me miss a lot of important times with my family including Zach's and Kaity's birthdays. Not being well enough for times like that just about killed me. It was hard to see everyone going on with their life's, Sally trying to handle everything on her own, trying to take care of me as well and here I was laying in bed not able to do anything. 

I am finally feeling better with the help of new pain medications.  I am not 100% pain free but a whole lot better then what I was.  Keeping my fingers cross, this will continue.  It's great to have my life back for now and to be functioning again. I am hoping to put some weight back on.  Last year I weighted over 230 pounds.  Sally would often get after me for what I would eat.  Now, I weigh 178.  Sally does whatever she can to get me to eat and consume high calorie foods.  Fish fillets were seldom before, now if I just make a mentioning of them she will run out and get me one with a shake.  She even switched my milk from skim to whole. She will buy me ice cream, candy bars, snowballs, and whatever else I want or she thinks I will eat.   The sacrifices I am now making to make her happy.  

I do have a few posts started from January and February, before the pain became constant and unbearable.  I am hoping to start posting them in a quickly matter.  Thank you for your continue prayers. 

God Bless,

Monday, April 2, 2012

My Dad by ZC

Hi! It's me Zachary writing this. .My dad is OK but he is hurting. Please pray for my dad.  The reason my dad isn't writing blogs because he doesn't feel good and sleeps a lot. My mom has a lot of  head aches and my dad isn't feeling well.  I wasn't feeling good too because I had surgery. But I feel better now. .Kaity and Michael is doing well. Wait a second. Dad if you are reading this I want you to know that  I love you dad so much that I can give the turtles away if it would make you feel better.  I love my turtles but I love you more. I pray for  you every night.

OK I'm sorry let's go with the blog. I feel sad when my dad hurts because he can't do stuff with us like he use to.  I miss it very much.  I remember when I was told 3 years ago my dad had cancer. I was sad then and I am still sad now.  The bad thing is, my dad has to stay home now when we go out.  It makes me feel a part of my family is missing and things aren't the same.  Last year my dad was able to play football with me and do other fun things and now he can't.  I wish my dad didn't have cancer and I wish he would get better. I know he will always have cancer and it will be a miracle if he get's better.  I get sad seeing him hurt.  I cry every night because I hate seeing him hurt.  Please God Bless my dad. 

So now, that's the end of my blog.  I appreciate if you pray for my dad. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

My 47th Birthday

On February 11, 2012, I turned 47.  I normally would not have been excited but I didn't know if I would live long enough to see 47. It also marks the 3rd year I have been battling colon cancer and for starting this blog.I would like to say 3 years have gone quickly.  In some aspects it's true but lately 3 years ago seems long ago.  I would never have dreamed I would be receiving chemotherapy for 3 years.  Depressing to think I will most likely never be in remission again and will have to be on chemo to continue living.

As for my birthday, it was a good day.   Sally and the kids bought me a Cubs hoodie and a Black Hawks hoodie.  I am always freezing, so I was glad to receive them. I wear them almost everyday to stay warm.  I received an iTunes card for the iPod I received last year that I have yet to use.  I am waiting on Sally to figure out how to use it, so she can teach me. Zachary likes to give everyone a bag of snacks for their birthday and my gift bag so heavy that is  tore.  Michael bought me a Black Hawks t-shirt to wear under the hoodie. Sally reminds me of that every time I wear the hoodie with a flannel shirt.  Lately, I dress to stay warm not for fashion.  Actually, I never dressed for fashion but for comfort or for whatever I found first hanging in the closet.  But now, the goal is to try to be warm.

The family took me to "The Omelet House" for breakfast. It's a small place but the food is delicious.  Being that it's good and small there is always a wait but worth the wait.  The boys didn't get along while we were waiting.  That was frustrating.  It was my birthday, maybe my last birthday, and just for one day I just wanted everyone to get along. I walked out and the boys chased after me.  Sally and Kaity didn't move though. They knew I wouldn't leave them behind and to be honest I was really looking forward to my waffles with strawberries.  Once we were seated everyone was fine and as soon as the food was served everyone was to busy eating to be annoy by each other.

My sister Carolyn, visited with me that afternoon.  It was good to talk with her.  I sometimes miss my life before marriage.  When I would go to my mom's on Sunday's.  Hangout there and talking with my younger sisters.  They would often come over to my house and clean for me as well when they needed money.  I think they talked to me more then they actually cleaned.  I miss those days but I am glad to be married and have my own family.  But I do miss hanging out with my little sisters.  Since Carolyn was over, I didn't have to wait until after dinner to have my birthday cake which was a bonus.  Sally tried to keep the kids away from us, so I could enjoy my time alone with Carolyn.

That evening, Sally and I went to Tiebles for dinner.  She originally had reservations made for dinner at Meyer's Castle.  However, with all my stomach issues she canceled them. It's an Argentinean steak house with all you can eat.  She promised me we can go there when I am feeling better.  Dinner was really good.  For the first time in my life, I had left overs from there to take home.  That is a sign I really am not feeling well.  After dinner, we went home and watched some TV.  It would have been nice to been able to go to a movie as well.  It's been a couple of years since we had went to the movies and dinner.  Now doing both in the same day is a bit to much for me. 

The following day, I was in a lot of pain.  It was Sunday, so I forced myself to attend church.  I sat down through most of it.  I saw Zach whispering something to Sally and Sally whispering back.  I had no idea what was said.  A couple of days later Sally told me, Zach had asked her "Do you think Dad will make it to 50?"  It breaks my heart that my 9 year old is worried about that.  I am glad Zach asked Sally instead of me.  What would I have said. I would want to reassure him everything is going to be fine even though I don't think I will live to be 50.  Sally answered to Zach was "I don't know".  Which was the honest and simplest answer to give a 9 year old.  We try to hide a lot of cancer worries from the kids. I do not want it consume their lives.  But the one thing I can't hide from them, even though I try my hardest is being in pain.  Even Kaity, who is 4 has asked me if I am feeling OK before she ask me to do something with her. A few weeks ago she asked me if I was feeling OK if I can go and can come to a party they were having and be there with her. That was the first time I realized my daughter knew I was sick. Needless to say I didn't handle that to well. My kids shouldn't have those kinds of worries. Should be thinking about what toy to play with next, not how long there Dad will live for.

and hope things get a little better.Take care and Bless you all.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Still Here and Fighting

Didn't mean to take this much time off from posting on the blog.  Life has been busy and there are so many things I want to share. Besides being busy, what has been keeping me away from writing is my health. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get the pain under control.  Once in a while I have a good day but those are far and few in between. I am always wearing pain patches and have to take pain medication as well. The pain is usually worse after I eat and in the evening.  The heating pad has become my best friend. I started to gain a little weight back. With the pain though, it has been difficult to eat and I lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks.   I have lost over 40 pounds since October.  That really does bother me. I am loosing a lot of muscle mass now and I feel like my skin is hanging.  I do not like the way I look when I look at myself in the mirror. 

I am still receiving chemotherapy bi-weekly and waiting patiently for the new chemo drug.  My oncologist seems to be optimistic it will be in March. But every month he is optimistic it will be available the next month.

It seems during the week day, we are busy with medical appointments.  As a family, we average 5 appointments a week.  This week we only have four scheduled appointments so far and they are all for Zachary.  I am happy none are for me but sad they are all for my little pumpkin. Minus the pain, life is still good and there is much happiness in my life.  I know some people think I have given up.  That is far from the truth.  I am still fighting and will not stop.  I have to.  I am not ready or willing to leave my kids.  

That's it for now.  Just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive.  
God Bless,

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Film Critic

I thought I would write about a movie Sally and I watched the other night. My wife rolled her eyes when she found out what I was about to  writing about.  Just to for warn, if you continue to read this, you will have wasted 5 minutes of your life. I on the other hand will waste an hour of my short life to write this. For some reason I feel the need to share, especially since Sally said it was a bad idea.   The movie we watched was "Final Destination 5" . Sally was the one who wanted to rent it to my surprise.This movie was gory, funny, disturbing, and far fetched. So in other words I enjoyed it a lot, when I was actually  in the room watching it. You know how it is. Getting munchies , bathroom breaks, checking the kids' rooms for monsters, and getting something to drink. Not to mention looking outside for no apparent reason except to think I thought I  saw something but it was just the shadow of a car and it's lights. This happens all the time. Anyway, the plot of the movie for those who haven't seen them, is someone has a premonition of something bad to happen that will kill everyone. So to save them he tells them to leave the area of doom. Anyway, he saves them and this causes a problem with the Grimm reaper so to speak. Death was cheated at that time but those who cheated it must die.   So now the group of unlucky yuppies will have to die in the order of how they died in the premonition. . When they finally realize the order of death, a few of them have died already, and the remaining are scared to death.  Get it, scared to death lol.

They all die  in the most gruesome  unimaginable ways. Why do they have to die this gruesome way? Because sick people like me think movies like this is funny. With this sequal, there was a particular scene were people talked about the order of their demise.So a girl who's turn it was to die decides to go to the optometrist obviously to have her eyes ripped out of her head. All I know, if I was in this scenario I wouldn't go to any doctor with sharp instruments laying around for my viewing. Not to mention, a construction site with all those very heavy things hanging around that can fall and squish my head. If it were me, I would wrap myself in a 100 ft of bubble wrap.  If I couldn't find that much bubble wrap, I would jump out a window so I could die on my own terms. With my luck and how weak I have become, I would take a running start of about five feet. Instead of jumping out the the window I woud hit the window and all you would hear is a a huge dink. Not really that far fetch because I do not plan anything well.  That is Sally's department.  

If I did actually fall out the window, all that would happen is to have a few neighbors would  bust a gut from laughter.  It's not like I have very far to fall.  I could try a bedroom window which sits up a little higher. My windows on the side of my house are a few feet higher. Knowing my luck, I would only sprain my ankle as well as my ego, that's not good either. Maybe I will just sit in the corner and sit there as if I did something really bad , like writing this really stupid blog.I wrote this blog cause this movie was really awesome in a stupid movie kind of way.

I want everyone to know that I am doing OK except for the constant pretty much every day stomach pains that will happen mostly at night. So this is something a little different now. Trying different pain meds to help with levitating the pain. I blame the pain meds for this post.  I will try to post again soon A lot of exciting things are happening in the Ceiga household with in the next few weeks. I can't wait to tell.