Mean just don't die!

I would like to take the time to apologise for my wife's depressing posts.  It takes, charisma, charm, good looks, humor, and superior  writing skill to produce such unique post like this one.  Some people have the talent and some people don't.  You will never hear me brag about my talent.  You will also never hear me say that Sally's talent is best in the kitchen.  

Yes, the news was hard to hear.  With my luck lately, it wasn't a surprise.  Some people already think I have a foot in the grave and that is far from fact.  I am not going anywhere any time soon.  I have said before and I am going to say it again, I have cancer, Cancer does not have me.  It will not beat me or control me. I am in control and the Big man up stairs but not cancer.  I will fight with all my might.  I am not in denial on how serious this is.  I do believe in miracles.  I believe many miracles have occurred in me in my life time already. Maybe the miracle isn't that I am healed but maybe there is something bigger. Maybe there isn't room for me yet in heaven. It will take two angels to walk on the side of me just to hold my head up straight .I think that is what it may be. All I know is that God isn't finished with me yet.  I also know that mean don't die, so I am going to be as mean and as bad as I possibly can for a good cause. I will have to make Sally cry more. Just remember it's for a good cause. 


To be honest I have been all over the map with emotions.  Sometimes all I want to do is cry, other times all I want to do is poke jokes.  Sometimes, all I want to do is go back to bed and hopefully when I wake , I will realize it's all a bad dream.  What I really want is a normal life as possible and I want to live it with purpose.  I don't have time to waste and I want to make each day count. 


After each bad report, I feel there is another pink elephant in the room.  I don't care if we talk about it.  In fact, when people express the way they feel and ask me questions it touches me.  When no one ask, I feel as if they don't care.  I am aware it is a hard situation for both sides.  I want to be treated the way I was treated before.


With every bad there is good.  The good is I don't have to wear a portable chemo pump any more.  My hair might grow back too.  I said earlier, I want to be treated the same except for when it comes to at home.  I am using "I have cancer" as a bargaining chip with Sally. It works like a charm most of the time. She still won't touch my feet no matter how much I plead. "I am dying, this might be your last chance", "Are you going to deny a dying man?" has been working to my advantage in most cases. 

 While it's fun to torture my wife, I do not like when she treats me different.  The last few months, I have noticed her tendency to coddle me. I appreciate her kindness but I am fighting to keep my dignity in tack.  There may be a day when I am totally dependent on others for all my needs.  Until that day comes, I want to be self reliant as much as I can (most of the time). I know Sally worries about me.  She knows that I don't always tell her how I feel or what ails me. So, every time she sees me without a smile she will ask me what's wrong.  Every time!  When I answer I am fine, she will always ask if am I sure.  Truth be told, there are times I do not even know how I feel or what I want. She will ask me a billion times a day if I have eaten and if I say yes, what exactly did I eat.  If she doesn't think it was good enough she will tell me exactly what she thinks I should eat.  If she sees that I might even have the inkling to get up and get a drink, she rushes up to serve me. Sometimes, I do like that but really I want to do things for myself while I can.  Then if that isn't bad enough, she is starting to treat me like one of the kids out in public.  For instance, we went out to breakfast.  I ordered bacon. She asks the waitress to make sure my bacon was extra crispy( saying this as her head was spinning in circles). I do like crispy bacon but if I wanted extra crispy bacon I would have asked for it myself.  Then there was the time in the elevator at the Clinic.  We were leaving one of my chemo treatments.  We were in a crowded elevator (may have been over the weight limit) and she asks me, no lie, "Do you have to go potty?" I acted like I didn't hear her. Again she ask me even louder,"Honey, do you have to go potty". I am thinking you got to be kidding. I felt like I was 3 again. I looked around and I saw a few people looking at me with there mouths wide open.  I replied "NO, I don't have to go potty."  As soon as I said this she had realized what she had did.  She apologized and said she is use to being around kids all the time.  That may be true, but in the entire 15 years we have been together this is the first time she had ever asked me if I had to go potty.  Just happens to be when I am leaving chemo and in a crowded elevator. Her most recent public embarrassment, not that she treated me like a child and I thought it was more funny then embarrassing was Thursday, the day we got the great news.  We just left the oncologist office.  I needed to get shoes for work. She was on the phone talking to my sister.  I parked the car and walked into the store.  Then a few seconds later, Sally walks into the store, still talking on the phone and crying.  I am thinking to myself you got to be kidding.  I wonder what the people in the store were thinking.  Why in the world is she in here and not in the car. So I tried to lighten the mood by laughing and making fun of her.  She couldn't talk because I kept talking to her so she hung up.  My plan worked splendidly.  When she got off the phone I asked her why she didn't stay in the car.  She reminded me it was in the 90's and I had turned off the car without rolling down the windows and took the keys with. I didn't think she would still be on the phone when she walked into the store.  But I purposely took the keys with me because I didn't want her to take off and leave me at the shoe store after hearing the news. 


I had a CT scan done yesterday.  Tuesday, I will see the doctor for the results.  It will just confirm that the lymph nodes are cancerous and how many.  I felt like he was trying to cushion to blow when he said that PET scans are not always accurate.  But then while he was walking out the door he said he was sorry.  So if he thought there was a chance the PET scan was wrong I don't think he would be apologising.  September 22, I am going back to U.I.C. for the second opinion.  I am sure they won't tell me any different but I am going to make sure without a doubt no one will be able to say I gave up or I should have done more. 


Hope everyone is enjoying there long weekend.  Thank you for all your support and prayers.
God Bless,
Bill

I meant well.

Not sure why, but Sally is still steaming over yesterday's blog.  I think it's the blog or maybe it's the subtle comments I made about her driving through out the weekend and today and probably again tomorrow.  Either way, I am in the dog house.  

I tried making it up to her and I washed laundry.  I even folded and put them alway. Not necessarily in that order.  She just glared.  I even did all the running around today for her and she stayed in her wonderful sleeping attire and played on the computer all day, a typical day.  So, I am hoping by outing myself in which it will be humilitating to myself, I can earn Sally's love back.  I really need to by Thursday.  I don't want her to be mad and therefor mean to me then.  Thursday, will be the day I will be having the SIRT done.  I have to be at UIC at 6:30 a.m. in the morning. There isn't anything worse than a bunch of women, most of witch ( I wonder if she'll notice the spelling) can do some major damage to my delicate area and make it look like an accident. 

The other day Sally and I went out to dinner at Cracker Barrell with the 2 youngsters.  Dinner actually went well.   There were no spilled drinks, no cries, no foods spots on clothes and no child falling off their chair. That's because Michael our 20 year old was at work.  At the very end Kaity says "I have to go poo-poo", "DADDY POO POO"! Say it louder sweetheart cause I don't think the people at the visiters center heard. Sally was still eating and wasn't feeling well because she donated blood earlier that day, how convenient I thought to myself( I think to myself a lot, its safer that way).  I was finished eating so I reluctantly volunteered to take her to the bathroom. We walked into the washroom.  I got her all situated on the toliet.  I decided maybe I should try to winkie myself.  I looked and thought it was quite  odd their were no urinals in the bathroom. Well anyway,  I did what I needed to do.  Washed my hands and waited for Kaity to do her thing.  I could hear her working really hard by her grunts, in between her beautiful singing. Still thinking the whole time about the lack of urinals. that must be something new that some places must be trying out in mens latrines.  I noticed a machine on the wall and walked to it to check it out. Noticed two buttons on it with some wording. Because of the chemo my eyesight isn't what it should be. I looked a little closer at the buttons and saw that it said Tampons and the other one said sanitary napkins. I than thought why would a mens washroom have ooooooooohhhhhh heeeelll no!   It was a machine for the ladies. I quicky exited to look at the door.  I stared at it for a few seconds to make sure it actually had W-O-M-E-N on the door and not M-E-N.

 I could have sworn it read MEN. I was so embarrassed I stayed outside the door.  I poundered how I could do such a thing.  I know I have done some silly things in my life but this takes the cake.  There is no way.  I saw MEN on the door. I didn't see the WO before it. I know my eyes are bad because of chemo but not that bad.  It dawned on me that I saw the writing around the corner.  Which is clearly the reason why I didn't see the WO before the MEN.  Plus, I was rushed by Kaitlyn so I didn't have a chance to double check but why would I.  It said MEN and I am more then capable of reading bathroom signs.  At least that is what I thought at the time.  I know now I need to check and double check before entering a public restroom.  I was in the ladies' washroom for almost 15 minutes.  If a lady or worse an older lady with a big heavy purse I would have been toast. At that point I felt like a Marshmallow at a smores convention. I could have even been arrested for being a creepers.  I was glad there wasn't anybody in there when I first brought her in.

 It seemed like it took Sally hours to finish that little bit that was left on her plate. I knew she did it purposely.  I would have done the same.  Who loves taking their kids to a public bathroom and to go "poo-poos" on top of that. . I never leave my kids in the bathroom by themselves. I Felt this was  exception, besides nobody was in there when I walked out with my tail between my legs. As I stood waiting, Sally finally shows up.  She was a little perturbed to say the least.  She started yelling at me for leaving Kaity in a guys bathroom alone.  She said she couldn't believe how ignorant I was and something bad could have happened to her.  I tried to tell her something bad could have happened to me if I stayed but she didn't stop talking long enough for me to say a word.  When I was finally able to calm her down, she saw my arm up and finger pointed to the ladie's room.  Then she took over the situation for a whole 3 minutes.  Walked out of the washroom, asked for the car keys, said she was getting dizzy, and walked away.  Leaving me scratching my head and praying Kaitlyn wouldn't need any assistance." Thanks for the help Honey"!!!!

Oops I did it again.  I really tried to wright a blog that embarrassed me, myself.  But I love my wife so much, it's so hard not to include her in my ramblings.  I don't think I did a very good job of redeeming myself, probably made it worse.

Oh, I'm going to end this now before I dig more holes. Thanks for all the prayers and support. God bless you all.